


I Fled Your Memory

by Estalfaed



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Biotics, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love Story, M/M, Mass Effect - AU, Past Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard - Freeform, Set in Andromeda, Tempest Crew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 10:19:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12010683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/pseuds/Estalfaed
Summary: Kaidan Alenko was a man lost. When Shepard went down with the Normandy after the Battle of the Citadel, he was cast adrift; the love of his life dead. He fled the Milky Way, taking the Andromeda Initiative’s offer of a new life in a new galaxy.When he finally wakes after that six hundred year journey, he finds everything he expected to be a lie. Once more adrift in a galaxy without answers, can Kaidan find his way? Can he forge a new path with a new love like he never expected? His future awaits, in Andromeda.





	1. A New Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for the Mass Effect Big Bang 2017. Thank you so much to [HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/) my official MEBB Art Partner, and [Shepard-Alenko](http://shepard-alenko.tumblr.com/), a pal who made a cool piece for this story as well, for making excellent art for this story. I am just so thrilled about it!
> 
> Huge thanks to my beta [Ellebeedarling](https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/) for working with me on this and encouraging me to finish the story even when I felt overwhelmed. You are the best <3

**Prologue: A New Beginning**

 

_Art by[HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/)_

* * *

 

 

“Where is Kaidan Alenko?” The words hung heavy in the air and silence was all that greeted Shepard’s question. Anderson folded his arms across his chest and sighed heavily. He couldn’t meet Shepard’s eyes and that was enough for panic to settle in, he could see it in the way John’s shoulders tensed up. He could hear it in the urgency of his next words. “Anderson. Tell me where he is.”

“Look, John. There is no easy way to say this.” He sighed again and placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before dropping it. “He’s gone, son.” He looked up to finally meet steely blue eyes, wide with shock.

“Gone?” he asked.

There was a momentary pause before Anderson answered, “Dead.”

Panic settled to something more muted, far heavier and far more suffocating. “Tell me how he died, please?” His voice was shaky, desperate.

“All that matters is he’s gone now Shepard. Knowing how won’t change that.” John dropped his head, eyes unfocused, seeing far beyond his feet.  He eventually nodded, and Anderson felt his gut twinge with guilt.  His lie left a bitter taste on his tongue. Kaidan Alenko wasn’t dead, but he was so far out of John’s reach he might as well be.

Kaidan Alenko was on his way to another galaxy, one full of hope. The promise of a better life drew him away, an escape far from the grief of loss and pained memories.

To everyone left here in the Milky Way, Kaidan Alenko was KIA, and Anderson was going to make sure it stayed that way.

When he finally woke up, everyone here would be ghost’s long dead, memories to be put behind him. Councilor David Anderson turned his attention back to the grieving man in front of him. He reached out and pulled John into a gentle hug, formalities be damned. “You’re gonna be fine son. You can get through this. Focus on the mission. You got work to do.”

\--------------------------

Far away a man lays in a dreamless sleep, blissfully unaware, blissfully numb; he sleeps. He awaits the day when he can awake once more and put the past behind him, to build something beautiful and new.

Tucked safely away on the Ark Hyperion, Kaidan Alenko sleeps, for when he finally wakes, his life will begin anew. In Andromeda.


	2. Wake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story. This entire fic was inspired by an angsty, whiskey fueled post I made on tumblr once. It can be found [Here](https://estalfaed.tumblr.com/post/159188782473/ugh-sad-thought-what-if-kaidan-had-boarded-the). So silly.

**Wake**

_Art by[Shepard-Alenko](http://shepard-alenko.tumblr.com/)_

* * *

 

 

“Kaidan,” A voice spoke. Smooth like velvet, deep, trembling, breathless. It filled him with warmth unlike anything else. Sent thrills down his spine, sent his heart racing, face flushed. It was the voice of his sun, his star, his grounding force, his center of gravity and focus. It was the voice of his lover, his dearest friend, his commander. It was John’s voice and everything that entailed.

He could never resist the siren call, when _his_ _name_ was spoken _._ It held depth and meaning; intention. Subtle variations and change in inflection told volumes, hidden meaning and understanding only for the two of them. A secret language they shared.

It was the same on the battlefield as it was in the bedroom and in their everyday lives. The two of them in sync, moving to unspoken commands, requests spoken through glances and body language. But when John spoke _his name_ , Kaidan knew, deep in his core, that Shepard felt the same.

Their hope in each other, the meaning behind the fighting, a shared love worth the pain and secrecy; each other’s soft place to land, all conveyed when he spoke _his name_.

So of course, Kaidan’s only response was to call back, to put everything he was feeling into one simple word, a name, a promise. “John.”

He waited for the soft touch, the gentle kiss that always followed, the heat of two bodies joined but it never came and he felt panic and…fear? He became aware of a low ringing, dull in the background but steadily growing. A light pierced the darkness that surrounded him; confusion joined the panic and fear as unfamiliar surroundings slowly came into focus. He was not in John’s cabin.

A murky voice pierced the dull ringing, distant but so close, he struggled to focus on it. “…ho do you think John is?”

Another followed the first as Kaidan blinked furiously, trying to bring the two blurry forms before him into focus. “…he dreaming? I didn’t think that was supposed to happen during cryo.”

Awareness flooded his being, cryo sleep, a voyage, a desire to flee from a galaxy that held an empty future. Grief, powerful, and crushing, swept away the fear and panic. A cry escaped his lips, unable to be stifled in time. “Shepard.”

The first voice chimed in again. “John Shepard? You don’t think it’s _the_ John Shepard he’s asking for, right?” Slowly focus came; the tears he blinked back cleared the fog from his eyes. A sterile white room, surrounded by cryo pods, the smell of burnt coffee and antiseptic battled for dominance around him. He felt nauseous.

The second voice, clear as day, this time female, spoke. “Kaidan Alenko, former second-in-command of Commander John Shepard of the SSV Normandy before she was lost. I think we can say, yes, _the_ John Shepard. You already knew who we were waking up.” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm, and Kaidan thought he could actually hear her eyes roll. He  grunted to let them know he was now fully present, if only to get them both to stop talking about Shepard. He pushed the pain away, until it was a dull ache in the background, manageable for the time being.

“Ah, Lieutenant Alenko, glad to have you with us.” The man cleared his throat uncomfortably when Kaidan sat up and fixed the man with a flat stare.

“Not a Lieutenant anymore, so don’t bother with the title. Just Kaidan will do.” He shook his head slowly, the dull ringing still present in the background. “How long till the ringing stops?”

It was the woman who answered this time, “That’s pretty standard, I’d say a few more minutes while your body adjusts to the waking world. And sir, it says here that you still have a ranking of Lieutenant with the Initiative.”

He tried to stifle a yawn with his fist, mind trying to process the information presented to him. “How’s that possible? I was assigned a civilian posting, teaching biotics to colony kids. How does that come with a military rank?”

The woman scrunched her face in confusion, re-reading the data pad in her hand before running a hand through her dark hair. “It says here you are part of the Pathfinder team, biotic combat specialist and field medic. Priority wake up clearance.” She glanced to her companion and then back to Kaidan nervously.

Kaidan rubbed his temples as if trying to massage the information away. He waited for the telltale spike of pain that would herald a migraine, but it never came.  That’s when he noticed something felt…different, in his head. He ran a hand over his implant and noticed the ugly scarring, usually hidden by his hair, was gone. He narrowed his eyes and looked between the two of them,  struggling to maintain the control he was so damn proud of. “Someone better tell me what the hell is going on here.”

He stood up shakily and made to push past them both when he felt a jarring lurch that sent all three of them sprawling. A wail of screeching, warping metal pierced the air and for a moment he was thrown back into the past.  A dying ship; flames, smoke and heat surrounding him; a man desperately waving him away, begging him to help others to their escape pods. The fear coursing through his veins as the ship broke apart around him, mass effect fields the only thing keeping him from being sucked into the vacuum of space.

He snapped back at another lurch and felt the weightlessness of gravity loss. Forcing the burden of his emotions away for the moment, he scrambled for a hold on one of the cryo pods, grasping onto the cold steel. He watched as the two others spun helplessly as they flailed. His biotics flared to life, surrounded him a blue glow, and he grasped the both of them with a biotic field, gently pulling them to him so they could cling to the same piece of steel.

“Thanks Lieutenant” the woman managed while her companion struggled to even his erratic breathing.

Just as Kaidan was going to ask where engineering was he heard a voice over the comms. “This is Cora; I’m at the cryo bay, brace for a reset.”

Kaidan glanced to his two companions and managed a strangled “Hold on” before gravity was restored and their feet touched the ground rather gracefully, he noted.

A different voice rang out over the comms, strong and commanding. “This is the Alec Ryder, Pathfinder. All active members of the Pathfinder team report to the bridge, immediately.”

“Good, good.” The woman spoke looking at Kaidan. “The Pathfinder will clear things up for you Lieutenant.” Her companion nodded while making a shooing gesture with his hands. Kaidan just shook his head and made his way towards what he hoped was the bridge.

He noted his surroundings as he passed. The rest of the cryo bay was a mess, spilled coffee, broken crates, and random medical instruments all tossed about. A huge vid screen dominated the far wall, showing beautiful pictures of their golden worlds. Worlds that should have already been filled with colonies when he woke; he was supposed to wake up during the third wave, not…whatever this was.

There was a commotion around a smoking cryo pod and he thought he recognized a few of the faces but he kept going, his omni-tool lighting up automatically with the ship’s schematics. Odd, but perhaps it was someone from the bridge reinforcing the urgency of the request.

As he made his way towards the stairs he heard a hum of power, and the hair on the back of his neck stood up, the hum of _too much_ power. He had barely a moment to register the danger before the power conduits on his left blew amidst the panicked cries of the engineers. Rocking back on his heels from the force of the blow, he coughed at the smoke as the emergency fire dampeners kicked into effect.

He was brushed aside by a young man who started scanning the mess, searching for a fault in the power conduits. After the bad relay was identified, the man ran to reset it. Smooth and efficient; Kaidan was impressed. They called him Ryder, but he was definitely not the source of the deep commanding voice over the comms; a relation then.  He tried to recall what he knew of Alec Ryder; an N7 and one of the first through the Charon Relay. He was known for his brutal pragmatism, cold and ruthless, but a father of two children, one of which was striding up the stairs purposefully.

Determined to figure out what the hell was going on, he followed both Ryder and the one he recognized over the comms, Cora. He stepped into the tram just before the doors closed, giving the two of them as much space as was possible in the small pod.

“Lexi said your sister is having some trouble. They’re…inducing a coma.” Cora’s voice was soft, hesitant.

Ryder’s was just as uncertain when he asked, “Will she live?”

She looked down at her omni-tool, reading the data there, and nodded. “Prognosis is good.” The young man let out a sigh of relief and turned to face Kaidan, a question already forming on his tongue. Kaidan was struck by a pair of light blue eyes, younger sure, not as world weary, but the resemblance to Shepard’s was uncanny.

He pushed the thoughts of his lost lover away with effort, focusing on the man in front of him, who was giving him an odd look. His brain caught up, and he hastily answered. “Kaidan Alenko…apparently I’m part of the Pathfinder team.” Both Ryder and Cora frowned in unison, sharing a glance before he shrugged and offered a hand.

“Scott Ryder, reconnaissance, Pathfinder Team.” Kaidan clasped Scott’s hand with a firm grip and a quick shake before dropping it. He offered the man a nod before facing Cora, who was quick to follow Scott in the introductions.

“Cora Harper, Second-in-Command to the Pathfinder.” She strode over purposefully and shook his hand as well. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Lieutenant, your service record is impeccable and your experience will no doubt be invaluable as we get started.”

“Wait…Kaidan Alenko…of the SSV Normandy?” Scott asked with building excitement. “So you knew Commander Shepard? What was he like? The vids always made him out to be this crazy bad-ass.”

The pain that Kaidan had so meticulously shoved away threatened to come bursting forth, and he struggled to come up with a response. Luckily the tram chose that moment to reach the bridge, a small ding sounding as the doors swished open. He took this as his out and strode towards the chaos that was the bridge.

Multiple voices cried out different readings, the panic palpable in the air. Kaidan’s gaze was drawn to the observation windows, feet moving on their own, while his mind struggled to comprehend what, exactly, he was seeing.

Huge tendrils of dark energy swirled and pulsed around them, the scale was…immense, beyond immense. Orange energy flared and spiked along the jagged edges, the whole visage was terrifying and strangely beautiful. Two voices arguing pulled him out of his reverie, he recognized both of them, Captain Dunn and Alec Ryder.

“The protocols are clear. In the absence of communication with the Nexus or the other arks, we proceed as planned to our Golden World, solid ground.”

“If it’s even out there, nobody said anything about running into an energy cloud. And that’s just a wild guess at what we hit.” Dunn’s voice was exasperated, tired. “Alec I need to access the damage, stop the bleeding. We’ve got twenty thousand people asleep on this ship; let’s give them a chance to wake up.”

Kaidan felt a thrill of excitement as an attendant at one of the terminals stated they were finally coming through the energy cloud. It lasted but a moment before it was replaced by confusion, and dread. The planet looked burned, the tendrils of dark energy raking against its surface, electrical storms dancing across the atmosphere. This was humanity’s home?

Dunn apparently shared his concerns as she asked, “Is that our Golden World?”

Alec was calm and collected, “That’s Habitat Seven, New Earth, if we’re lucky.” After a bit of back and forth between Alec and Dunn, it was decided that the Pathfinder Team would make planet fall, assess the situation with eyes on the ground. Kaidan had to agree. While it looked bad from here, there was no way of truly knowing without seeing it for themselves.

Kaidan waited behind as Scott and Cora left for the armory. He had a bone to chew with Alec and now was as good a time as any. As if in anticipation to what Kaidan was going to say, the Pathfinder turned to face him, arms held loosely behind his back, at parade rest.

“Lieutenant Alenko. Glad you could join us for that but I do recall telling you to head to the armory to suit up.” His voice was stern, full of command, it held very little patience.

Kaidan fought the impulse to nod and salute, the marine in him straining to follow chain of command. He roughly shoved it aside and snorted, voice barely concealing his rising anger. “Yeah, about that. You see, there has been this crazy mistake _Pathfinder_. I’m not supposed to be here, I’m not on the Pathfinder Team, and I’m not a Lieutenant anymore!” His words had ended in a strangled shout, breathing heavily, a finger pointed accusingly at the man before him. “So tell me what the hell is going on.”

Alec grinned, feral and his eyes danced smugly, arms still held behind his back as he strode towards Kaidan, till they were staring face to face, brown eyes meeting steely grey. “You were reassigned in cryo Alenko. The Initiative decided your talents would be better suited elsewhere. After all, you’re one of humanity’s strongest biotics and with the little upgrade you received while asleep, you’d be wasted teaching students.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes and let out a huff. “What upgrades?” He balled his hands into fists, held his arms rigidly at his sides as he waited.

“Your faulty L2, we fixed it. You got more juice and you won’t go crazy either. You’re welcome.” He could see the challenge in those grey eyes, taunting him, daring him to make a move.

“You were in my head?” The words were slow and quiet; the feeling of tension and restrained violence was palpable. “Without my permission?” Blue flared around him and the smell of ozone filled the air, his fist blurring as he smashed it against Alec’s jaw, the man flew back with a crack and landed on his back before quickly springing back up, his own biotics erupting to life around him. And wasn’t that a surprise? Alec Ryder was not a registered biotic. He took advantage of Kaidan’s momentary distraction and surrounded him in a stasis.

Unable to move, unable to fight back, Kaidan mentally cursed his stupidity. He fixed Alec with the best glare he could manage, which might have been impressive if he wasn’t hanging helplessly in the air. “Cut the shit Alenko. You’re on the Pathfinder team because we need a man with your skills. We don’t have time for this right now. So fall in line, do your duty. Once this mess is cleared up I’ll debrief you on the procedures you underwent. Got it?”

As much as he hated to agree with the man, he made a strong point. This could wait. They had larger concerns, like a giant space death cloud and a burning planet. He lowered his gaze and let out a muffled “Aye aye.”

The stasis field dissipated and the glow around both men faded. Fixing Kaidan one more time with a glare, Alec finally nodded and pointed towards the door. “Go get suited up.” He glanced at his omni-tool and grunted in annoyance. “Planet fall in fifteen.” With Kaidan dismissed, Alec turned his attention back to the console showing Habitat Seven, already lost in his own thoughts and plans.

Kaidan glanced at Captain Dunn who avoided his gaze, shrugging he turned and left for the armory. The sooner this was done, the sooner he could get answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	3. Habitat Seven

**Habitat Seven**

 

* * *

 

 

Kaidan tried to subdue his raging thoughts, each one fighting to the surface for his attention. The fury he felt over having someone in his head at the forefront; the curiosity and fear of what they might have done coming in for a close second. Then there was the anticipation for the mission ahead, what they would find; it warred with the persistent ache in his chest that surfaced on seeing the N7 emblem on Alec’s chest.

The man had been stripped of his Alliance ranking, dishonorably discharged for his illegal work on AI’s, and he still had to gall to wear that symbol. He let out a frustrated huff. His omni-tool pinged again, and he was guided to the armory.

When he entered, the friendly banter that had filled the room slowly stopped, and he felt eyes on him. The quiet hum of the radio filled the silence. Kaidan felt strangely self conscious, the odd man out. As he made his way to the lockers the others slowly began talking again. Pre-mission bullshit, friendly ribbing, and excited chatter on what they might find.

He found his locker quickly enough; K. Alenko stamped into the hard steel made him frown. He had gone into the Initiative with completely different expectations and now he had the creeping suspicion they had planned this all along.

Kaidan Alenko, Pathfinder team. He scowled at the bright white and blue armor in the locker. It was ridiculous. Oh sure, it was made of quality materials and looked like it would hold up in a fight, but the colors. He shook his head. He would stand out like a sore thumb, and he felt the pang of longing for his old armor.

Shepard had splurged and gotten him a Predator armor set. Kaidan had been shocked and tried to decline, the cost of the thing outrageous, the two of them going back and forth about it.  John had been insistent, however, and Kaidan had been secretly pleased.

The dark camouflage was far more suited to the battlefield than this set of blue…whatever it was. With a sigh he stripped down to his briefs and grabbed the sleek set of under armor when he felt eyes on him again. He looked up, and there was Scott, bright blue eyes freezing Kaidan to the spot. A huge flush crept up the younger man's cheeks at being caught, and he hurriedly left the room. Freed from that stare, Kaidan stifled the small chuckle and slipped into the armor quickly.

He had to hand it to the designers, whoever they were, because it fit really well and it rested nicely along his shoulders. It was a set of light armor, which he preferred. Easier to maneuver and the lightweight material had him less fatigued, which he needed when he was flinging his biotics around.

With swift efficiency born from years of practice, he was fully armored, protein bars stashed, and armed in seven minutes.

He met up with the others in the shuttle bay, feeling the growing excitement of the coming mission resting in his breast despite the grief that lingered there. That was always there, ever present, making itself known at the worst possible times. With a roll of his shoulders, the biotic pushed it aside as best  he could and focused on the present.

There was a moment of distaste when Kaidan spotted Alec suited up in red and black armor, bright N7 flashing at this breast. His muscles tensed and his hands balled into fists at his side. The man had no right to that anymore, and regardless of his dishonorable discharge, N7 meant nothing here. It was a whole new galaxy with a completely different hierarchy that pushed old Alliance rankings into irrelevance. Kaidan let out a shaky breath and loosened the tension in his back, hands falling into parade rest behind him. He let the man’s speech flow over him; bit back the desire to give a snide comment or a derisive laugh.

It was petty, he knew it, and there was shame there;  even as he recognized it, he couldn’t help himself. Kaidan Alenko did not like Alec Ryder, and it was quite clear the other man felt the same.

Sometimes it just worked like that. Two people met and the dislike was clear, immediate, no getting around it. Kaidan could be professional, he _could_ damn it, and so he would; even if it was like pulling teeth. As they parted to two shuttles Kaidan quickly started for the one opposite of Alec’s, hoping to put distance between them for as long as possible.

“Alenko.” The voice was stern, reproachful, demanding. “You’re with me.” Kaidan bit back a curse and turned, facing Alec, and he felt the flush of embarrassment tinge his cheeks. Scott gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder as he passed.

Kaidan stepped onto the shuttle and gave it a quick once over, typical design if a bit more spacious than he was used to. There were a few seats lining the interior wall and an impractical window allowed a clear view of the outside. Bolted and tethered to the floor were stacks and crates of supplies they might need in any given emergency situation. Spare ammo, food and water rations, and medical supplies. With a soft sigh he made his way towards one of the seats in the back, next to a woman with vibrant red hair.

Alec and Cora took the two pilot seats in the front and finally an older man stepped into the shuttle and the door sealed behind him with a hiss. Quick introductions were made, the woman, a corporal with the Alliance before joining the Initiative went by ‘just Hayes’, combat specialist and infiltrator; the man, Harry Carlyle, was their medic.

They spent a few minutes during liftoff chatting back and forth about their field experience and swapping a few of their more memorable stories. The conversation trailed off as they made their approach. A thrill of fear flowed through him as they passed near the scourge. The huge tendrils of dark energy pulsed around them, and Kaidan was uncomfortably reminded just how thin the armor plating was on this shuttle and just how vast the vacuum of space was around them.

He quickly put his helmet on and was relieved when the others followed suit. It probably wouldn’t save them if something did happen, but it helped with the fear regardless.

The descent into the atmosphere was unpleasant and rough, and after seeing evidence of intelligent alien architecture, the mission went to hell the moment they flew into a lightning storm. They lost contact with the other shuttle almost immediately; Kaidan struggling with the rising panic as he saw it break apart, spewing its cargo, human and supplies, with equal indifference.

Alec’s voice was all strained calm as he asked “SAM? Do you have a status?”

The voice that answered was metallic and inflectionless, artificial. “Attempting connection Alec…experiencing interference due to atmospheric conditions…Scott’s jump jet malfunctioned but I was able to reboot it before he reached terminal velocity, the odds are high he survived the fall. Mr. Costa experienced a similar issue but was also successfully rebooted. The others are unknown. I have lost connection with them all.”

The N7 muttered a string of curses under his breath, too low for Kaidan to catch, before taking a deep breath. “Understood. We head for the original destination, set up a perimeter and then send a search party.”

SAM, the AI that Alec had been working on, in his head…that was a revelation Kaidan could have done without. He was brought back to his experience with the Geth, and he was once more filled with fury at the Initiative messing around in his head while he was in cryo. It was reckless and stupid, putting an AI in a human’s head. SAM had access to his vitals and his implant. It chilled him to the bone to think about a rogue AI with SAM’s capabilities. A problem for another time. He pushed it aside with the rest of the things he was refusing to feel and think about, focusing instead on the here and now.

After landing, they set up a base camp quickly; erecting a tower to try and establish communications with Ark Hyperion. Kaidan scanned the scarred landscape with a sinking feeling. This was not a habitable world. It was torn apart, floating stones in the sky, lightning striking at random with incredible frequency. The air was toxic, and the only plant life he could see were glowing mushrooms, not exactly inspiring.

Cora was working on establishing communications with the Ark. Alec checking his weapons with Hayes, and Carlyle was digging through some of the medical supplies. Kaidan was the first to spot the alien vessel as it approached them at incredible speed.

He had only seconds to cry a warning before the ship was dropping aliens into their midst, horridly green with a rocky exoskeleton. First contact protocols were to treat an alien species as peaceful until their intentions could be discerned, but the aliens opened fire almost immediately. All the proof Kaidan needed to return fire. His biotics exploded to life around him, the familiar tang of ozone comforting as he drew his barrier around himself, flung a Reave and dove for cover. He released the mag-lock on his rifle, laying out cover fire for the others, all within ten seconds of the first shot fired. This was something he could do; this was familiar in a galaxy that was completely new, a universal constant; killing.

The thought should have disturbed him, but if his life so far had taught him anything, it was that for every wonder and beautiful thing found in the Milky Way, there were ten horrors waiting to devour and destroy. Why should Andromeda be any different? He released another Reave at a group of enemies, who had taken cover together, following it up with a Shockwave and the resulting explosion was…effective. Excessively so. Blood and guts the result of a poor decision to remain clumped, to stop moving.

He felt so alive, body thrumming with power, biotics flowing through every vein like fire and ice. He wanted to laugh; he wanted to scream. Kaidan knew his biotics had been strong for a human due to his L2 implant but this? This was a whole new level. Knowledge of biotic techniques he had never known before flooded his mind, the mnemonic queues flowing as if they had always been there. He made good use of them.

Kaidan lifted three enemies into the air with a Singularity, and Cora launched a Flare, scattering the enemy in a brilliant display of biotics. Alec had launched a combat drone and was flinging flares in between peppering the enemy with rifle fire. Hayes had cloaked and was taking enemies out with brutal efficiency. Carlyle launched three flares into the air to hopefully signal the survivors of the other shuttle. Kaidan hoped it didn’t attract more enemy forces.

All too soon the base camp turned battlefield was empty of living enemies. Their bodies lay scattered and torn, green blood pooling and congealing in the horrid atmosphere.

Alec gave the all-clear. They moved to clear the camp of the dead, Harry giving the remains a scan with his omni-tool. He shook his head as he read the stream of data flowing out of the little machine. Kaidan focused on the dead, using his biotics to Lift and Push the bodies outside of their makeshift barricades. Each enemy looked the same. Maybe that was the typical reaction to an alien species so different from you, unable to distinguish certain features or characteristics that made the individual, but he was convinced there was more to it. Clones perhaps?

“Should we send a team for the others, Alec?” Cora asked. She was still breathing heavy from the firefight but otherwise remained calm and collected, as if she was not covered with dirt and blood and gore.

“No. You will remain at the base camp; I’m going to scout ahead, see what we can find out about that alien tech. Scott and the others will make their way here.”

Kaidan scoffed, loudly and shook his head. “You’re kidding. Look around us Alec, this is definitely not home, we can’t survive here. We should find the others and get the hell off this rock.”

“You’ll do as you're told Alenko, now shut up and keep an eye on the perimeter. Wait for Scott to show up or for me to return.” With that Alec stalked off, shoulders tight, gait screaming annoyance and frustration; and Kaidan let out his own strained sigh.

Once the older man had faded from sight, Kaidan started pacing the perimeter, watching the torn landscape and the broiling sky for any sign of movement, friend or foe. Ten minutes later he breathed a sigh of relief as Scott and Liam came into sight. He waved them over and heard Cora cry an alarm, the familiar sound of an enemy drop ship echoing in the air. He turned and opened fire on the ship, his rifle doing nothing to the heavy armored plating. Hopping the crates that acted as a thin barrier, he peppered the enemy with gunfire, and Cora gave them hell with her biotics while Scott and Liam scrambled to their location. Liam lobbed a few grenades along the way.

Kaidan cursed as Scott made a detour and launched himself at the enemy with a Biotic Charge and Nova combo before using his jump jets to fling himself out of the line of fire. Apparently everyone was a biotic, and Kaidan was feeling oddly put out about it.

With brutal efficiency the Pathfinder team dispatched the forces arrayed against them, as wave after wave went down under fire, grenades and biotics. The trench was a kill zone and they made the enemy pay in blood for every inch of ground they took. Kaidan was panting under the exertion; the enemies felt unending. He had stopped using his biotics, attempting to conserve as much energy as possible, holding them back as a last resort. He had no idea when the next chance to rest and recharge would be.

It was automatic, aim, shoot, duck and repeat. Over and over, body after body fell. Whether it was the endless clones, the cloaked…attack things or the big guys with the heavy machine guns; they all fell to the team’s combined efforts.

Eventually the enemy stopped sending in reinforcements; eventually the last enemy fell; eventually they were allowed a moment to breathe and collect themselves. Kaidan did a quick scan of the battlefield and then his allies; all standing except for Hayes. Harry was working frantically to stop the bleeding with medi-gel.

Kaidan trotted over and knelt next to the two of them to examine the wound. It was a gut shot, nasty, but it didn’t look too severe if treated soon. He frowned and looked at the sky and then back to the shuttle. They weren’t going anywhere until the weather was better. He shared a few words with both of them before making his way towards Scott. “We need to find your father and get out of here. Where are the others?”

He felt a pang of loss as the news of Kirkland’s death. Kaidan didn’t even know the man but the death of a teammate always left him heavy hearted. At least Greer and Fisher were on their way here. He was tempted to go after them himself but as he was about to suggest it, Alec popped in over the comms giving them his location and requesting their presence. He glanced to Harry and Hayes but was waved off.

Cora took the lead, setting the pace at a light jog, all of them keeping a close eye out for potential lightning strikes. The further along they got the more alien tech they found. Lightning rods and bulky green machines contrasted against the beautiful blue and black streamlined architecture that seemed to reach for the sky. When they finally made it to the nav-point they saw Alec crouched above a cliff, scouting the enemy forces arrayed before them.

Kaidan’s attention was stolen quickly though by the giant pillar dominating the sky. He watched as a blue mist swirled all about the tip, watched as the storm seemed to intensify and spiral out from that point. Alec confirmed his suspicions stating that the pillar was likely the issue causing storm. If they could disable it then maybe the storm would clear and just maybe they could get off this rock before Hayes died.

Alec blew the charges and the storm did the rest to take out the shields blocking the path to the pillar. Once more they found themselves in a firefight. Alec was a whirlwind of death and Kaidan found himself grudgingly respecting the man for his talent in the field.

A flash of blue on his left, and Scott was flinging himself into a group of enemies, Charge and Nova combo scattering them nicely. Kaidan let out a snort as he laid out cover fire for Scott in the brief recovery time needed to launch a shockwave and dive behind cover. He got a wave and a thumbs up for his efforts. The kid was effective if reckless. His fighting style fell into sync with Kaidan’s so easily. Shepard and Scott both flung themselves around the field of battle as if their self-preservation instinct was faulty.

Perhaps it was, because he found himself launching towards an enemy that had managed to flank Scott, Kaidan’s own biotic charge flinging the foe against a wall with crushing force. And damn if that wasn’t an amazing feeling, the rush of adrenaline in his veins as he soared forwards, everything blurring except his one point of focus. He had never been able to do that before, one of the perks of his implant upgrade. He finished the twitching enemy off with a round to the head.

__

_Art by:[HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/)_

Scott flashed him a chagrined smile and a quick shrug of the shoulders, his blue eyes shining with relief even through his helmet. Kaidan sucked in a sharp breath and was caught for a moment, staring into that crystalline blue. He came back to himself as Cora yelled at them to keep pace, giving his head a quick shake and Scott a nervous grin. “Back to it.”

The other man recovered just as quick, letting out a soft laugh and nodding. “To work.”

Kaidan stuck close to Scott after that, watching the man’s back, Lifting enemies as Scott launched Shockwaves, their biotics thrumming in time with each other. Lift, shoot, Shockwave, repeat. They worked well together and Kaidan found he could lose himself to the rhythm of battle. Something he had only ever achieved with Shepard. He tried not to dwell on what that meant.

After what felt like an eternity they had made it to the peak of the pillar, taking positions of cover to allow Alec time to hack the console and hopefully fix the weather. It took a few stressful minutes, then Scott and Alec were entering the alien building. Kaidan had to stifle the thrill of fear that ran up his spine. They had no idea what they were doing, no guarantee it would even work, but he held his tongue and waited with Liam and Cora.

The entire platform they were standing on thrummed and a shrill sound pierced the air as the pillar lit up, blue energy shooting up into the sky. The effects were immediate and Kaidan found himself staring up at a sky that was beginning to clear, hope and excitement growing in him. Liam let out a shout of joy and waved at Scott as he started towards them, Kaidan grinning in relief.

They had only seconds to enjoy it before everything fell apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	4. Those Left Behind

**Those Left Behind**

 

* * *

 

 

“Kaidan,” that silky voice purred, and Kaidan looked up from the data pad he was reading. All thoughts about the mission reports faded away as he took in the visage before him. The most beautiful blue eyes twinkled in the dim cabin light. He ran his eyes up and down the heavily muscled body before him and grinned.

Shepard was still damp from the showers, white towel draped across his waist, tantalizingly low. A thin bead of water trailed down from John’s neck, following the curves of his chest all the way down defined abs to rest at the sharp v of his hips. 

He narrowed his eyes and wet his lips slowly, allowing his tongue to convey all he was thinking in that moment. It was all the invitation Shepard needed before he was straddling Kaidan’s waist, kissing him hungrily, claiming soft lips as his own.

Kaidan moaned into the kiss, bringing one hand to cup John’s ass, the other rested on his chest, feeling the beating of his heart. He was so beautifully alive; warm heat and the clean scent of John’s aftershave flooding his senses. A perfect moment; about to get even better if the erection pressed against his body was any indication.

He pulled away from the kiss with effort and stared into blissed out blue eyes, a crooked grin on John’s face. Kaidan let out a soft huff, moving his hand from John’s chest to gently cup a strong jaw, and Shepard leaned into the touch.  

“Joh…” the ship lurched, flinging them both off the small couch. The scream of twisting metal and the blaze of fire filled his private little world. The ship lurched again and the vast emptiness of space loomed before him. 

Blue eyes filled with fear, a desperate hand reaching out, one Kaidan just misses, and his lover is sucked into the freezing void.

\-----------------

He sat up with a strangled gasp, heart beat erratic and breathing heavy. Kaidan flailed in the semi-darkness. “Shepard!” he cried out, hands groping for the warm body that should be sleeping at his side. 

It wasn’t the voice of his lover that answered. Instead it was the low monotone of the AI in his head, dull, impassive. “Kaidan. I detect an elevated heart rate and your adrenaline has spiked. You are having a panic attack. Please allow me to assist.”

Before he could respond, before he could object, the biotic felt a strange tingling flow from his skull down his spine and he felt his heart slowing, his breathing normalized and the terror that had flooded his mind ebbed away. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly and brought his knees to his chest. Wrapping one arm under his legs, Kaidan rested the other on his knees. Clutched in his hand were two pieces of metal, warmed under the touch of skin. He loosened the grip enough to allow the dog tags to drop with a light tinkling.

A shaky sigh escaped his lips and he rested his forehead on his arm, eyes trained on the dangling tags, staring at the words written there. A name that had once meant something, a name that had once held a promise; the name John Shepard dangled alongside an identical tag, Kaidan Alenko.

The tears fell from his cheeks in silent streams, a stifled sob shook his body and that was enough to let the rest flow out. The grief that he was feeling, an emptiness that threatened to engulf him and the name he had crossed an entire galaxy to flee, a memory that would never leave him alone. 

Shepard had come into his life and burned like a star, Kaidan caught in his orbit; sustained by his light and his warmth. But Shepard was just a man and he burned away all too quickly. Kaidan was left adrift, gravity askew, his light gone. He had been left alone in a galaxy too big, so full of possibility, yet so achingly empty. 

Some days it felt like there was no coming back from this. A bullet to end the pain, a coward’s way out. He could never do it. John had died to ensure he lived and even if every second was in agony, if every second was suffocating grief, Kaidan would  _ live. _

So he had fled the memory of a man now long dead. A ghost six hundred years away, unable to reach him, unable to haunt him; he had been naïve. 

Some things you carried with you. Always. 

Kaidan had hoped Andromeda would offer…something better. Instead, all it had offered was death and a new enemy to face. Alec Ryder was dead and without him, the humans on Ark Hyperion were left drifting; directionless in an unknown galaxy that only offered them pain and loss. They needed a leader, someone to help them through all the uncertainty, someone with wisdom, sound judgment and experience in high stress situations. They had looked to Cora first, Alec’s second, to be the one to take up the Pathfinder mantle. 

She had been just as surprised as everyone else when SAM stated that Pathfinder command had not transferred to her as originally intended. Her calm demeanor shattered, she was left as shocked and lost as the rest. And with that revelation her position of authority crumbled.

They then turned to Kaidan, one of the Savior’s of the Citadel, second-in-command to the great Commander Shepard himself. If anyone could lead them it was him. But he was a broken man and the weight of such a burden would only consume him. 

He had refused, fled their stares and accusations, hid in a dark room, and finally, succumbing to exhaustion, he slept.

With a heavy sigh the biotic stood, placing bare feet on cold tile. He put his socks and boots on in a daze, tugged a white shirt over his head and left the room. Kaidan wandered a while, no particular destination in mind. 

Captain Dunn had determined that the best course of action would be to head to the Nexus and had set course immediately. He glanced down at this omni-tool display, ETA was in three hours. Ark Hyperion was mostly empty. A skeleton crew was all that was needed, and since Habitat Seven was a bust, no new staff members were released from cryo. 

Before he knew it Kaidan was standing before the door to SAM node, hesitating before the doors opened with a soft swish. He strode forward and stopped when he saw the still form of Scott. If it weren’t for the deep slow breathing he could pass for a dead man. The thought hurt him more than expected.

So young and yet SAM had confirmed it was true, Scott Ryder was the new Human Pathfinder. The burden that Kaidan had so quickly discarded now rested on a young man’s shoulders. 

A part of him was relieved and there was shame in that. But he knew that right now, the weight would break him. Kaidan lacked the emotional stability needed to lead and sooner or later, a mistake would be made that would lead to even more lives being lost. It was selfish, it was a coward’s excuse, but it was done. Scott would lead humanity to a new home. 

He rested a hand on the Pathfinder’s chest, feeling the soft steady beat of his heart, the gentle rise of his breathing before pulling away as if burned.

“How is he doing SAM?” Kaidan asked, an attempt to try and still the uncertain thoughts racing through his mind. “Any changes?”

“He is stable and resting. While he suffered initial trauma from the harsh atmosphere on Habitat Seven, he has mostly recovered and just needs rest.”

Kaidan snorted. “Initial trauma, are you kidding me? SAM, he died.” 

“Scott is now alive and stable Kaidan. No need to worry.”

He was about to argue further when the man in question stirred and sat up with a groan. Kaidan was at his side in an instant, lending support as Scott turned and sat on the edge of the makeshift bed. The younger man shook his head slightly and groaned again, finally croaking out “What happened?”

Kaidan pulled back and pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to think of something to say. Instead he pulled up his omni-tool opened a channel and let Lexi know Ryder was awake.

“What do you mean?” Scott asked.

Puzzled, Kaidan turned to him. “Sorry, what?”

Scott looked up and shook his head, “Not you, SAM.”

Frowning, Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned back against one of the terminals. “I didn’t hear anything.”

With a faraway look in his eyes Scott ignored him for a moment, cocking his head to the side as if listening to someone before refocusing blue eyes on Kaidan, causing him to shiver slightly. He glanced at his omni-tool again, Lexi had said she was on her way and he did not want to do the next part alone. 

“Where is my father?” Scott asked and Kaidan sighed. 

“I’m sorry Scott, but Alec died on Habitat Seven.” Kaidan stared at the floor, unable or just unwilling to see the grief in Scott’s eyes, hearing the sharp intake of breath was enough.

A moment of silence before a quiet “how” was asked.

Kaidan just shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.” 

They both let silence fall after that and Kaidan tried his best to ignore the soft sobs coming from the young man before deciding to sit at his side. He gently laid an arm over Scott’s shoulder and whispered “I’m sorry.”

The younger man just nodded and rested his head against Kaidan’s shoulder, tears still falling and body shaking periodically. They stayed that way until Lexi came into the room with Cora and Liam hot on her heals.

Jumping slightly, they both pulled away hastily and Scott scrubbed roughly at his cheeks. Soon all that followed was a bunch of medical jargon and fussing over Scott who adamantly stated he was fine and they were being overly worried over nothing.

The fact that he was the new Human Pathfinder shut him up for a moment, looking at Cora in askance. She gave an angry shrug of her shoulders before striding out. Definitely some bitterness lingering there, Kaidan thought, and made a mental note to keep an eye on her. 

Captain Dunn’s voice spoke over the comms, interrupting a heated argument between Lexi and SAM. “Pathfinder, meet me on the bridge. We’re about to begin docking procedures for the Nexus.”

Kaidan looked over at Scott and for some reason those blue eyes were focused on him, a silent plea written on his face. A click of understanding and then Kaidan offered him a smile and a soft “You can do this.”

Standing to his feet the Human Pathfinder nodded, straightening his shoulders and holding his head high, Scott strode towards the bridge. Kaidan blinked and glanced over at Lexi, who looked just as surprised in his change of demeanor. 

Scott called over his shoulder “Let’s go folks; we’ve got a job to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	5. The Tempest

**The Tempest**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan had to admit, the Tempest was a beautiful ship.  A marvel of modern engineering combined with an eye for aesthetic; it was sleek and shiny, all clean lines and simple colors. The ship managed to pull off a finished look that had had him itching to see the specs and get the tour. 

It reminded him the first time he saw the Normandy, another ship that was a marvel of engineering. The first time Kaidan had seen it he had been full of awe and excitement. A chance to serve with distinguished soldiers such as Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard was a dream come true. He had felt as raw as a green recruit then, hyper aware of everything he had been doing, determined to make a good impression and showcase his talents.

It was different on the Tempest. There was still that sense of wonder though, an excitement at being a part of something bigger than himself, of being a part of something important. Both ships were incredible and state of the art, but once Kaidan had stepped onto the Tempest he was able to place the differences.

The Normandy was a stealth warship, built for battle and was fitted for that specific purpose; the Tempest was so very clearly not. It was a bit mind boggling when he compared the differences. The Tempest was built for speed but also for comfort. The crew quarters were almost lavish, plush bunks - not sleeper pods - with soft pillows and warm blankets. There was plenty of space to lounge and work without feeling claustrophobic. 

The toilet was blessedly separate from the rest of the bathroom, a luxury that had not been afforded on the Normandy and the showers had a privacy screen. There was a simple kitchen setup but with how small their crew was, it was still plenty of space to have all of them in there at once. 

The hangar bay was spacious and there was plenty to tinker with, terminals to adjust, and diagnostics to run. The drive core was a thing of beauty, humming with power and Gil chattered on and on about how the thing could power a warship three times the size of the Tempest and still not tax its systems. 

Vetra had given them all the tour of the ship, explaining the different functions and uses they could find for each room. Kaidan was pleased to see Lexi had been chosen to be the ship’s medic, one more familiar face. The two of them had bonded over their shared skill sets even though Lexi was decades more experienced than him. 

Eventually they had ended up in the Pathfinders Quarters and it was this room that had Kaidan goggling. If he had thought the crew quarters were lavish, then the Pathfinder’s room was overly excessive and huge. Scott was like a kid in a candy store, which Kaidan felt like pointing out. The comparison was lost on Vetra but Cora and Liam at least humored him with a laugh.

Scott snorted and gave Kaidan the finger with no real animosity behind the gesture. They made their way to the bridge as a group and met Kallo and Suvi. Kaidan found himself liking the eccentric pilot almost immediately. His excitement and pride in the ship was contagious. 

The bridge was spacious like the rest of the ship, more clean lines and a huge panoramic view of the docking bay on the Nexus. He felt the thrill of excitement as they started launch procedures and stood behind Kallo and watched the Salarian’s hands fly about his console. Kaidan wondered if the Salarian was as good a pilot as Joker. Time would tell.

“This is it Scott; the Tempest is yours.” Cora sounded excited as she asked, “Unless you have something to say for the log?” 

From his position near Kallo, Kaidan could see Scott frown momentarily as he faced the window and watched with curiosity as the young man slowly schooled his features to a smooth smile. Scott pivoted and grinned. “We were all expecting a golden world and now there’s just a long road ahead.” He paused for a moment and that smile slipped slightly. “But hold onto that dream and it might just see us through.”

No one said anything, everyone lost in their own thoughts, so Kallo finished up the launching procedure. “Nexus Control, this is the Tempest – ident two-five, two-seven, prepping to depart.”

The engine core kicked in as the thrusters flared, inertial dampeners working overtime to compensate. All Kaidan felt was a slight jolt, barely noticeable as they lifted off. It was quiet on the bridge, no noise from the thrusters heard here. Everyone gathered faced the window as they departed the Nexus. The ship handled like a dream, smooth and quick. Kallo’s hands danced along the terminal, completely at ease, posture full of confidence despite the fact that this was the Tempest’s maiden voyage in a galaxy full of unknowns.

Nexus control sparked over the comms as they sped past one of the arms on the Nexus. “Departure vector verified Tempest. Godspeed Pathfinder.” And then they were gone. Out in the vast expanse of space, surrounded by nothing, protected only by the walls of the ship. Kaidan shivered and rubbed his arms as if cold, trying to stifle the fluttering nerves that had unexpectedly manifested.

It would take them a little over nine hours to get to the Pytheas system where the planet Eos awaited them. The crew seemed to scatter to their own respective corners of the ship, each having claimed a space for their own. 

Kaidan stood on the bridge unsure of where he should go, of what he should be doing. On the Normandy, he was sure of his position, knew what was expected of him and how to do his duty. The biotic knew how to serve. This…this was not a military ship. It felt more like a civilian scout ship than anything. Kaidan had not trained to be a part of the Pathfinder team, and not knowing what to do was frustrating.

So, with nothing better to do he went to the armory and pulled out his armor, inspected for scratches, dents, anything that might compromise its security or integrity. He patched a few dubious spots and when finished he sighed. He burned half an hour. He pulled out his rifle, it was a standard M-8 Avenger, nothing special, but it had served him well on Habitat Seven so he wanted to keep it in good shape.

He inspected the gun and made sure everything was working, oiled the different mechanisms and even tried out a few different mods to increase accuracy. He focused on the task at hand and tried to shut out everything else; the fears and worries, the ever-gnawing grief, the feeling of helplessness. Another hour burned on rifle modifications and Kaidan was out of ideas for the armory. 

Slowly he walked the Tempest, explored the different parts of the ships, tried to find a spot to carve out as his own, like the others. He eventually settled for the conference area. It was empty, spacious and Kaidan was able to see out into space, watch as the stars passed by and the slipstream dance along the windows. It was oddly calming considering his reaction earlier to the launch.

He pulled out a data pad he had stashed away in his trunk, slumped into one of the couches and flicked the screen on. Kaidan scrolled through a list of books before finally settling on one he had read over and over again. The story was a familiar friend, one he could lose himself in. There was a little less than eight hours to go and figuring out where he fit on the team needed to be high priority, or soon he would go crazy.

Footsteps clanking on metal stairs slowly pulled Kaidan from his half slumber, eyes fluttering open when someone threw themselves on the couch next to him with a tried sigh. Scott lay sprawled on the couch, head thrown back, arms crossed over his chest and one leg dangling off the side. 

Kaidan sat up straighter and shot Scott a questioning glance. The Pathfinder’s quarters had a bed and its own sitting area, couch included. Much more secluded than this. 

Blue eyes met his and Scott shrugged defensively. “There have to be a reason?” 

“No not really.” Kaidan said. He held up both hands in mock surrender and smiled. “Just thought it odd, would have expected it to be more comfortable in the Pathfinder’s quarters.”

He glanced at the time on his data pad, just over three hours to go. The older man was tempted to head to the crew quarters and sleep some more but the look in Scott’s eyes had him staying put. There was a silent request hidden there and Kaidan felt with enough time, he’d be able to figure out what it was.

Scott shrugged again and worried away at a loose thread in his sweatshirt, eyes focusing on that rather than looking at Kaidan. “After the initial excitement wore off, it felt weird to be in there. That was supposed to be my dad’s room…I don’t know. It just felt wrong.” He sighed and stretched his arms above his head, sweatshirt riding up to reveal smooth skin and defined muscles. 

Kaidan kept his eyes trained studiously on Scott’s and when he peeked at Kaidan, disappointment flashed briefly across his face before hiding it with a grin. When Kaidan cocked an eyebrow with an unspoken question, he flushed slightly and shrugged again. Kaidan huffed a soft laugh and shook his head. “Did you want to talk about it or…” he trailed off and cleared his throat and felt his own flush creep up his cheeks. “Talk about the Pathfinder room thing…”

Scott grinned at Kaidan’s fumble and shook his head. He leaned back and took a deep breath and let it out in a rush. “I just didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t really want to talk either. I’m not really sure why but I thought you’d be the best for that sort of company.” He frowned as he considered the words he just spoke, chewing his lip lightly. “Which I guess sounds kind of bad out loud.” He shrugged and looked over at Kaidan. “Sorry.”

Smiling Kaidan shook his head. “No not at all. I think I understand what you mean. Feel free to stay, I’m just gonna continue reading and if you want to chat let me know.”

The younger man nodded and yawned. “Cool, cool. Thanks.” He grabbed a pillow and hugged it to his waist and stared at the ceiling. 

When Kaidan looked up from his data pad ten minutes later Scott was curled on his side fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	6. A New World

**A New World**

 

* * *

  

Kaidan was still trying to wrap his mind around what they had experienced on Eos. A vault that was so vast and so expansive it had felt like it went on for miles and miles. Nestled under the crust of the planet rested a network of terra forming technology, and they had managed to wake it up. Or Scott had at least, with SAM’s help.

This…Remnant technology was a marvel. It was something to rival even the ancient Prothean technology of the Milky Way. In a way it excited Kaidan, finding something completely new and so totally alien yet so stunningly beautiful.

And it was beautiful. It was as if the original builders had intended function and form together to create something that took the breath away, that inspired awe. It was all so immense and beyond them. The fact that there were multiple worlds with multiple vaults defied comprehension. The scale was too vast, impossible for any of the Milky Way species even with advancements made due to Prothean technology.

Scott and SAM were the key it seemed, if their new addition Peebee could be relied on. She was erratic and borderline insane but Kaidan found himself liking the high strung Asari. She tried to keep aloof but Kaidan could tell it was a self defense mechanism, designed to keep her safe in a ship full of strangers.

Kaidan intended to break those barriers down with time; hopefully she would give in to him. He had asked to look at her research notes on the Remnant technology she managed to study and he was impressed. The escape pod might be a disaster but her notes were neat and surprisingly meticulous. Completely over his head but impressive nonetheless.

She had been watching him as he read them, a self-indulgent smirk on her face the whole time. When he finally gave up she patted him on the back, hard, and laughed. Kaidan had left with what little pride he could salvage and headed towards the conference room, his own little sanctuary.

If Kaidan enjoyed meeting Peebee he was nervous meeting Drack. Back on the Normandy Kaidan had become really good friends with Wrex despite Kaidan being ‘a squishy human with good hair’. It had taken a while, but after many firefights together, and after Kaidan had biotically slammed a Krogan battle master through a wall, Wrex warmed up to him and eventually called him friend.

Drack made Kaidan wary, their first meeting not one of the most inspiring. Sure, the Krogan was a damned good warrior but his loyalties were not with the Initiative and he had made it pretty damn clear how he felt about Nexus leadership. To be fair, Kaidan was not all that impressed with Tann or Addison either, but he didn’t want to write them off altogether. He wasn’t there when the Nexus impacted the Scourge, he wasn’t there for the uprising and he damn well wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. Still, there was hope to get along with the Krogan and at the very least never get on his bad side.

They had set course to return to the Nexus after waking up the vault and clearing the way for a new outpost. Podromos. It was a hell of an achievement and the crew was in high spirits. Still, there was a long road ahead of them and now they had to try and convince Tann and the others that pursuing the odd vault was the correct course of action. It wasn’t going to be an easy task.

After chatting with Peebee, Kaidan had retreated to the conference loft, his own private space because much to his surprise no one ever really came up there, despite the many comfortable chairs and couches and a great view of the stars.

He had only been reading for about half an hour when he heard the familiar clunk of footsteps up the stairs leading to the loft. Kaidan looked up to see Scott sauntering over with a smile. He was wearing the white and blue hoodie he favored when on the Tempest and not meeting with any officials; as he put it, his ‘I’m not the Pathfinder right now’ clothes. His hair was slicked back as usual and his blue eyes danced with excitement as he took the seat next to Kaidan on the couch.

Scott had been making his rounds, making sure their new additions were settling in nicely and then chatting with each member of the crew, debriefing them or just talking about random whatever. The action reminded Kaidan so much of Shepard he felt the all too familiar ache pulse in his chest. John had always made sure to check up on each member of his crew. How the man had had time to manage it all was beyond Kaidan, but he remembered how much it had meant to him to have his commanding officer take such a personal interest. He wondered if it was the same of the others with Scott.

He slid the bookmark down on the page of his data pad before switching it off and turned to the young man with a smile. “So. Still feeling pretty pleased with yourself I see.”

Blue eyes crinkled with mirth and Kaidan felt his pulse quicken, he swallowed heavily before glancing down at his clasped hands.

“I feel a little entitled honestly. I mean we did just activate an alien terra forming machine and created a viable outpost for the Initiative.”

Kaidan nodded and huffed a laugh, “You also convinced a Krogan who hates the initiative to join up and found yourself an Asari who just happened to be studying Remnant ruins.” He quirked an eyebrow and gave Scott a grin. “I think you just might be a natural at this Pathfinder business.”

Scott shrugged off the compliment smoothly, shaking his head. “I’m not so sure. But I appreciate the attempt.”

“Nah, really Scott. I think you’re doing well. Hell, I’d probably be a wreck if I were in your shoes.” Kaidan rolled his shoulders back and studied the younger man, trying to read the expression on his face. He wasn’t sure what to make of the Pathfinder. Scott was a talented biotic, sure, and was handling the role quite well, Kaidan hadn’t been lying; he would have been an unstable wreck if he had been in command.

There were plenty of nights where Kaidan had trouble sleeping, his dreams plagued by nightmares of losing Shepard over and over again. He had even been to Lexi, asking her for something to help, maybe give him a dreamless sleep or at the very least something to force his body to rest despite an over active mind.

“You know, when my dad died I thought I wouldn’t be able to do this. That he had made some terrible mistake in choosing me to be pathfinder. In…in choosing my life over his own.” Scott glanced over at Kaidan before focusing on a frayed edge of his sweatshirt, worrying at one of the threads.

Kaidan let out a soft sigh and gently laid a hand on Scott’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze; he waited till their eyes met. “It’s obvious your dad loved you very much. What he did, it wasn’t a mistake Scott. It wasn’t a lapse in judgment. For all his flaws, Alec Ryder proved himself a good man the day he saved you. That was not a mistake.” He cleared his throat and gave Scott’s shoulder another squeeze before letting it drop and continued. “You’re doing amazing things and I know you’ll keep doing amazing things.”

Scott let out a laugh and nudged Kaidan in the side, causing him to jump. “Thanks for the pep talk Kaidan. You got a way with words.” He bit his lower lip, smiling slightly and Kaidan imagined kissing them, supple and soft, before slamming the thought down and stomping on it for good measure. He laughed and shrugged.

“What can I say, it’s a gift.” He tapped his data pad against his leg gently. “So…the vaults…do you think you can convince Tann that going after that odd vault is the right move?”

“I’m not sure. I think that the results on Eos will help, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.” Scott shrugged and smiled. “I’m the Pathfinder. I’ll just do it anyway.”

He leaned back and threw his hands behind his head, resting his elbow on Kaidan’s shoulder and let out a long breath. Kaidan stiffened at the contact before turning to face Scott better.

“That might not work though. He could seize the ship, put us in lockup, hell, he could even exile us I suppose.”

“Well, I mean, sure. But, I wasn’t going to just up and tell him to stuff it if he doesn’t see reason.’ Scott snorted a laugh, “I would pretend to go along with his plans and then next chance we got to leave, I would have us divert course and bam, head towards the vault.” He waggled his eyebrows and smirked.

Kaidan let out a startled laugh, bubbling up and out uncontrollably. After a moment he was able to stifle it and leaned into Scott’s side. “Well well, Scott Ryder, Pathfinder and all around devious tactician. Who knew?”

Scott turned to him, blue eyes almost glowing in the light of the room. He leaned in, close enough that Kaidan felt the warmth of this breath. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me Kaidan.”

Voice hoarse and throat suddenly inexplicably dry, Kaidan swallowed, “Oh yeah?”

The younger man nodded slowly, blue eyes focused on whiskey brown. “Yeah.” He wet his lips with his tongue and then jumped up. He grinned as Kaidan started, and slowly walked backwards towards the stairs. “I gotta go work on my speech to Tann. While I don’t mind being devious every once in awhile, I’d rather do this by the books, yah know?” He spread his arms wide in mock surrender. “But while we’re on the Nexus, let’s try and meet up, there has to be someplace to get a decent drink, the place is huge.”

With a nod and a smile Kaidan made a choice. “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	7. Archon

**Archon**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan walked past Liam with a nod, a smile, and a fist bump. He stepped up to the closed nursery doors and knocked. He could have just entered, as it was technically a workroom like any other on the Tempest, but things had finally settled and each crew member had claimed their own space and this was Cora’s. It was courtesy at this point.

Cora poked her head out and smiled when she saw it was Kaidan. The two of them had bonded pretty quickly over their biotics, both of them having similar experiences being ‘freaks of nature’ for something they couldn’t help.

“Hey Kaidan. You ready then?” She asked and stepped back, letting Kaidan into the small space.

“Yeah. I’ve actually been looking forward to this ever since we got back from the Nexus. It was a little overwhelming being on a station full of people again after spending so much time on the tempest. It’s easy to forget, ya know?”

She chuckled ruefully and gave him a side hug, pulling him in close for a squeeze and letting him go. “Oh I do indeed.”

“So, I was thinking we could go to the cargo bay? It’s a bit more spacious and I thought we might need more of it this time round.”

Cora nodded and gestured for him to lead the way. They were both dressed in loose fitting grey sweat pants and tight but breathable blue tank tops. As they made their way down the ship he noticed Cora giving him the side eye, looking the older man up and down with a small smile. Kaidan felt the telltale flush in his cheeks and she snorted a laugh.

“Just art appreciation Kaidan. I know someone else who’s already staked a claim.” Her smirk widened at his flustered protest.

“What are you talking about?”

“A little bird flying around the ship said you and Scott had your first date?” She meant it as a fact but it came across as more of a question. Kaidan bunched his eyebrows in a frown and set the towel and water bottle he was carrying down on a crate and turned to face her directly.

“We met on the Nexus for a few drinks. I’m not really sure that counts as a date…”

Cora laughed and set her stuff next to Kaidan’s and began a few long stretches, arching her arms above her head and leaning back, he mirrored her movements. “I would agree if you and Scott hadn’t been giving each other moon eyes since we activated the vault on Eos.” She snorted and shook her arms and shoulders loose. “All it took was us running for our lives from killer alien dust clouds. Who knew?”

Kaidan let out a huff as he eyed the woman, still frowning, but a smile was threatening the edges of his lips. “Well, nearly dying does have a way of opening the eyes.” He shrugged and went into a few lunging stretches. “I could tell there was mutual attraction there from the beginning, but both of us had suffered some heavy losses and I didn’t want to…well...” Kaidan sighed and tossed his hands up in surrender.

“How’ve the dreams been?” She asked, voice soft despite the effort of their stretches.

“About the same I think. Woke up to Shepard suffocating again, couldn’t get back to sleep so I wandered the Nexus till it was time to depart. One thing that’s nice about a space station, there is always someone awake and there is always someplace to get a decent drink.”

At Cora’s stern look he laughed. “Coffee. I got a coffee Cora. I got over day drinking before I left for Andromeda.”

Feeling limber, he sat down with legs crossed, feet tucked under his thighs and Cora mirrored the position directly across from him. They both rested their arms gently on their knees, palms up, shoulders squared and started deep, heavy breaths. It took several minutes until their breathing was in perfect sync.

Kaidan allowed himself to drift for a moment before snapping back at the sound of Cora’s voice. “Are you ready to begin?” He nodded. “Good. Focus on the pain of the dream Kaidan, remember it, the feel of it, the weight of it.”

It was odd, being so open with someone about the pain he had been experiencing over Shepard’s death; to share with Cora something so intimate and personal. Yet once he did so, it had felt right and she had proven herself to be worthy of his trust. They had begun biotically meditating together, a form of Asari science to help commandos deal with trauma and PTSD. She had learned it in her time with the Asari huntresses. It had proven to be a blessing to Kaidan.

He focused on the dream that had so badly shaken him upon waking, of watching Shepard get spaced. Having never witnessed it, his mind filled in all the horrible details with sickening precision. Kaidan felt the familiar terror roll over him, found the pain of witnessing the one he loved die over and over again and the rising panic. He struggled to maintain his methodic breathing.

“Good. Alright, now take all that you are feeling and force it together, like we’ve done before. Force it outside yourself.”

With a shuddered breath he focused all his energy on forcing the emotions away, visualized them compressing and leaving his body. His biotics activated and he was sheathed in a blue glow, and felt rather than saw Cora’s do the same. When he opened his eyes a small blue orb swirled and floated an inch or so from his upturned palms.

Kaidan felt weightless. His shoulders lifted of a heavy burden and the ever present ache in his chest had dulled. He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled softly at Cora, her own biotic ball floating gently in her hands.

“Well done Kaidan. How are you feeling?”

He chuckled softly and took a deep breath. “Better…better than I have been in a long time. Thank you.” She nodded and closed her eyes and Kaidan did the same.

They stayed like that, meditating; keeping a ball floating in the air and for a time, Kaidan swam in a sea of endless calm. His heart felt light in a way it hadn’t since Shepard died. Part of him, distant and indistinct for the moment, wanted to feel guilt at the progress he was making. As if moving on invalidated or lessened the love he had for John. The logical part of him knew better. Both rested just outside the sea, waiting for the moment Kaidan returned.

The normal quiet hum of the Tempest changed while Kaidan drifted; different sounds reached for his attention but he shrugged them away. ‘Just a little longer’ he thought to himself. ‘I want to stay here and rest more…’ He was jolted back as the Tempest came to a screeching halt, the inertial dampeners unable to compensate for such a drastic movement. Kaidan and Cora both slid across the smooth floor, tumbling into each other with a few pained grunts.

Sirens and other alarms were pinging all around them. They scrambled to their feet as Scott’s voice sounded of the comms. “Well, scan them back!” He sounded panicked.

Gil’s shout from engineering stole his attention for a moment. “Kaidan, I need you to get your ass over to the console Vetra’s always tinkering with. We’ve lost control of the navigation systems and I need to you isolate where interference is coming from.”

The biotic shoved the fear bubbling in his chest aside and dashed for the terminal. Cora made a break for the bridge, bare feet slapping against the cool floor. Kaidan turned his focus to the terminal, hands flying across the interface, trying and failing to find where the assault was coming from.

“Kaidan hurry. The drive core is overheating and I can’t keep diverting power to subsystems forever. We’re gonna have a nasty venting issue here very, very quickly.”

“I’m trying Gil. I haven’t had to use my tech skills in, oh say, about six hundred years, give or take.” He scowled, making jokes in a situation like this was unprofessional, but it made him feel slightly better.

“Kaidan.” The monotone voice of SAM filled his head and he flinched. “I am being locked out of navigational controls. We are surrounded by enemy ships, I am currently using all my processing power to plot a course through the Scourge. I cannot find where the enemy is attacking from.”

“Got it SAM, I am working on it. I’ll have us back into our systems by the time you have a course charted.”

“Understood.”

He flipped through a few more subroutines and cursed under his breath. Whoever was hacking their controls was good, but Kaidan was better, he had to be. Sweat trickled down his brow as his fingers flew across the terminal, eyes scanning lines and lines of code as it blitzed by. Finally, he found it.

“Got it Gil! Isolating it now, we should have control back in three...two…one…done! How’s that plot looking SAM?!” He was panting heavily and his heart raced as if he had just ran a marathon.

“Uploading to Kallo now.”

Gil shouted over the railing, “I’ve got the drive core stable; she’s ready to get us the hell out of here now!”

“Systems are now fully under my control again.” SAM intoned. “Brace yourselves.”

Kaidan felt the jolt as the boosters kicked in and lurched to hold onto the terminal, a moment later the dampeners compensated and the unpleasant feeling of falling sideways faded. It was tense and the alarms and sirens didn’t fade, the hull making horrible twisting sounds as they made their way through the Scourge. He glanced down at the terminal and read the different readings popping up, hull integrity was low, they had a breach in one of the lower level cargo stalls, mass effect field holding it together.

The tempest couldn’t take much more punishment; their shielding was deteriorating by the second and with each jarring impact their odds of survival dropped. It was a relief when SAM’s cool voice finally stated they were through the storm of dark energy.

Gil’s voice broke over the comms, frantic and more than a little annoyed. “What did you do to my ship Ryder? We need to find port and make repairs now or we’ll be dead in the water. Got it?”

When they found safe harbor, they were in for a jarring surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	8. Interlude I

**Interlude I**

 

* * *

 

Shepard stepped out of the shuttle and stared at the beautiful home in front of him. Elegant architecture spoke volumes, projected the image of age and established wealth. It was built in a mix of old Colonial style with Second Empire features. A large entryway surrounded by four tall white columns, with a dark mansard roof that had six dormers, three flanking each side of the entryway.

Twelve windows dotted the two story estate, six on each side with deep eaves and decorative brackets. Dark wood shutters fitted to the windows completed the elaborate ensemble, old money indeed.

It was hard to imagine Kaidan growing up here. He was so humble, kind, and down to Earth; a man who liked to “live lean” as he stated it. Alliance life suited him well. The Orchard house was one of two places he had called home, the other a flat in the city of Vancouver.

He took a deep, steadying breath and marched forward. Each step matched the painful drumming of his heart.

Shepard had visited this place only once, when he and Kaidan had gotten some shore leave. The Savior of the Citadel and his crew deserved a little R&R the Council had said. After the exhausting battle and narrow escape of death by Reaper debris, it was easy to whole-heartedly agree.

He still remembered Kaidan wringing his hands and chewing his lip nervously outside Huerta Memorial, waiting for Shepard to be cleared. An offer given: spend shore leave with him, visiting his parents place in the BC interior at the family orchard.

The rest was a week spent exploring Kaidan’s family home, hiking the expansive property, visiting the distillery, sneaking kisses and fucking around when they found themselves blessedly alone.

The door loomed before him, a heavy wooden thing, stained a deep red, carved in intricate patterns. Vines and leaves trailed up and down the edges while a beautiful tree spread out in the middle. He raised his hand to knock, and a small mousy woman with honey brown eyes opened the door.

She blinked behind thick framed glasses and gave him a huge smile. “John. Good to see you dear.” She reached out and he had to lean down so she could wrap her arms around his neck in a hug, plant a kiss on his cheek and finally, pull back. “I wondered if you might show up.”

Flushing he brushed the back of his neck and gave her a sad smile. “It’s nice to see you too Mary. Sorry for dropping by unannounced.”

She waved him off as she stepped back inside. “Oh nonsense John, you’re always welcome here. Come in, oh do come in.”

“Thank you.” He followed Mary Alenko into the home, once again in awe of the place. The grand foyer with its spiral staircase, polished wood gleaming in the faint light. They passed a hall filled with family photos and he stopped, taking a moment to appreciate Kaidan as a boy, dark hair an unruly mess, huge grin on his face as he held up a trophy. In contrast, Kaidan as a grown man, facing ahead, expression stoic as he stared at the camera, dressed in formal blues and pride gleaming in honey brown eyes.

Shepard’s throat felt too tight, and the air was irritating his eyes. He started as he felt a soft hand on his back, gently rubbing back and forth. Mary offered him a kind smile, gesturing down the hall to the kitchen.

“How did you know to expect me?” he asked. Voice hoarse, John cleared it roughly, blinked back tears that threatened to fall and followed Mary again.

She laughed softly, looked back and gave him a conspiratorial grin. “Oh you boys thought you were being so subtle. Believe me, you weren’t. Henry and I, we saw the way you two looked at each other when you thought no one was paying attention.” She let out another laugh. “Ha. You might as well have been beating us over the head with it, or screaming, look at us, we’re so in love.”

He felt his cheeks warm and Shepard rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Got it. Not subtle.” They entered the beautiful kitchen, immaculate. It was filled with the smell of something baking, light and sweet. He stood at the kitchen island as Mary began bustling about with a kettle and pulled out a French press.

“Coffee dear?” she asked.

“Yes please. Thank you.” She waved him off with a smile and set the kettle on the stove. He cleared his throat part of him desperately wanting to be away from this place, to finish what he set out here to do and be gone. The other wanted to stay, to soak in the warmth he felt being in a place Kaidan had called home. “I came here to, well…to offer my” he was interrupted by a clanging of plates on the counter.

He looked up to see Mary staring at him, brown eyes filling with tears. “Don’t.” He nodded quickly and she continued. “You don’t need to do that John. We both loved him. We both feel his loss. So don’t. Not here.” She turned away and started fiddling with the oven, before calling over her shoulder, “Henry’s in the study. Why don’t you fetch him while the water boils, hmm?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you m’dear.”

Shepard left the kitchen quickly, eager to be away even as he dreaded speaking to Kaidan’s father. It was a conversation he knew was needed, but had no idea how to proceed with it.

The study was a beautiful room with a large fireplace and floor to ceiling book shelves, filled to the brim with old books. Two overstuffed leather chairs with matching ottomans sat in front of the fireplace and an old mahogany desk centered in front of a large window finished the setting. Henry was sitting on one of the large chairs; book in his lap, feet raised comfortably on the ottoman when Shepard entered. He looked up with a smile and set the book aside before getting up to offer his hand which John grasped in a slight daze.

Henry Alenko was the spitting image of his son. Older sure, more lines around the eyes, a bit of a beer gut showing through the sweater he was wearing, but otherwise the resemblance was uncanny. He had strong arms and shoulders, a crop of dark hair slicked back, bushy eyebrows and the same chiseled jaw and cheekbones. The main difference was he had bright green eyes while Kaidan had his mother’s honey brown.

He had to fight back the wave of emotion that wanted to burst forth. This is the man Kaidan would have grown into. A man Shepard would have loved to know.

“It’s good to see you son.” Henry said with a smile. He offered him a seat in the other leather chair and Shepard took it gratefully, taking the opportunity to stare into the flickering fireplace. John let his eyes wander around the study while he and Henry made small talk, taking in all the old books on the shelves along with other knick knacks that decorated the place, each one telling a different story. It was the picture of Kaidan with a pair of dog tags that had him faltering in his story about the new Normandy.

Standing unsteadily he made his way over to the framed photo and ran his hands along the cold metal tags. He clutched his own beneath his shirt, heart thumping erratically. He swallowed heavily before turning to face a man he held so much respect for; someone who had helped shape Kaidan into a man of integrity, a man of honor and one of kindness.

He came over and sat on the ottoman that Henry’s feet had just been resting on. With quick deft hands he had pulled his dog tags off, the ones returned to him by Liara. He unclasped the chain and gently took one off. The words held a name, Kaidan Alenko, and his hand wavered a moment.

This gift, their promise, all wrapped up in a name. He stared at the dog tag in his hand and whispered “I know you know the ones on that shelf are fake, a replica they made so they had something to present to you during his funeral.” Shaking slightly he presented it to Kaidan’s father, with all the implications that went with such a gesture. “This is his original.”

Henry clasped his hand over John’s, squeezing it tight. “No.” His voice trembled and when John looked into his eyes he could see unshed tears. “You keep it son. He gave that to you for a reason.” He let out a huff, so like Kaidan that Shepard had to look away. “Once you’re done with…whatever it is you have to do. You come back here, and if you still feel the need to return it to me, well, you can do it then.” He nodded, let go of John’s hand and pulled back. “You just make sure you come back. You hear me?”

John cleared his throat and let out a hoarse “yes sir.” They stared at each other a moment, Henry searching for something in his eyes. Satisfied he found what he was looking for, the older man nodded and stood.

“Good. Good. Now I know Mary’s made coffee and she probably sliced up that apple pie. The least we can do is send you off with a full belly.”

Through the grief he was feeling a seed was planted, something small but wonderfully warm. Perhaps, after the Omega Relay mission was finished, just maybe, Shepard had a family to come home to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	9. A Step Forward

**A Step Forward**

 

* * *

Kaidan paced back and forth, boots clicking softly against the cold tiles of the room Liam had claimed as his own. He couldn’t keep still. Moving back and forth, arms crossed against his chest, the biotic paced. Liam was sprawled out on the beat up couch, beer perched precariously in his lap, light snores coming from his still form.

Scott had taken Drack, Cora and Jaal with him on the mission to rescue the Moshae. They were storming a Kett fortress with just the four of them and a group of Angaran Resistance soldiers. His nerves were frayed and he once again cursed his own stupidity. 

This was the first time Scott hadn’t included Kaidan when they went ground side and it was entirely his own fault. The cold of Voeld had turned out to be just as hospitable as the radiation on Eos. 

His hands gingerly touched the bandage that covered one side of his face. The pain and the swelling had gone down, it had been three days after all, but the injury was still enough to sideline him, Lexi putting her foot down quite firmly. The medigel was working well enough; she was more concerned about the skull underneath. A simple bone weave helped knit Kaidan’s fractured cheekbone back into one piece.

Lexi had claimed he was lucky, and Kaidan agreed. The fall he had taken could have been much worse. As it was, he had smashed his helmet and broken his face; all over a stupid patch of ice he wasn’t careful about. The Asari claimed there wouldn’t be any deformity or scarring, for which Kaidan was infinitely grateful, but damn did he hate this; being left behind while Scott was out of reach, beyond protection.

He huffed a soft sigh. As if the man needed it, Scott was incredibly competent, destroying his enemies with well place shots and devastating biotics. Still, Kaidan liked it better when he could watch his back. The Pathfinder was talented but did tend to be reckless; another similarity he shared with Shepard. 

Frowning Kaidan stopped pacing and chewed his bottom lip while his mind raced. Things were getting better, he knew, emotionally. For both himself and Scott; both men processing their grief and losses separately. 

Kaidan dreamed of Shepard less and less, no longer waking up from nightmares every night. Part of him mourned that loss, as if he was losing a piece of the man he loved. Another part told him he was making room for a new love. That scared him more than the former. Kaidan didn’t think he was using Scott as a replacement for Shepard. They were similar in some respects but totally different in others.

Scott was freer in his emotions, eager and willing to share his feelings, not scared to go after something he wanted. He tended to be rash and sarcastic. Shepard was…well, he was Shepard; stoic and calm, a rock. He guarded his emotions and his heart and every glimpse and moment shared with Kaidan had been precious, a gift.

The way they both handled relationships was completely different, neither better than the other; just…different. Kaidan rolled his eyes and shook his head; over-thinking things again. He was slowly moving on, which was good. It didn’t mean he loved John less, or that he was being dishonorable to his memory, he was just…he was healing. 

“Kaidan.” The monotone voice of SAM filled his ears and his head shot up, pulse racing. “Scott and the others are returning with the Moshae. They will be boarding momentarily.”

“Thanks SAM!” Kaidan glanced over at Liam, still asleep, beer precariously close to spilling, and smiled. He grabbed the beer and placed it gently on the table and then turned off the flickering vid screen, the action movie they had been watching long since over. 

Liam had done his best to distract Kaidan, offering beer, movies and conversation to take his mind off of the mission. It had worked well enough until the man had fallen asleep. Left to his own devices, Kaidan’s mind had him thinking of all the ways the mission could have gone sour.

He left the room quickly, letting the door hiss shut behind him. Kaidan strode through the cargo bay and went towards the crew quarters, rummaging around in his trunk for the whiskey he had picked up at the Nexus. Not an easy task, finding the bottle, and his quest for a good ole Canadian lager had been a fool’s errand. It was with a small pang of regret he knew he would never taste such a thing again. 

Making his way to the kitchen he snagged two glasses before hightailing it to the Pathfinder’s quarters. The biotic heard the ramp lowering to allow for entry on the ship. From the kitchen the hiss of decontamination was faint but still there.

Kaidan looked at the door to Scott’s room and hesitated. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He only knew he wanted to be there for Scott if the younger man needed him. Glancing behind him as the door from decontamination started to open; it was now or never.

“SAM.” Kaidan whispered. “Can you open the door?” A sigh of relief escaped as the door opened softly, he scurried in and it shut quickly behind him. Glancing around, Kaidan took in the huge room, once again blown away by the size and overall luxury of the space. Aside from the initial tour, Kaidan had not been in this room since. He whistled softly and set the glasses and bottle of whiskey down on the sitting area’s table, taking the time to look at the small collection of model ships Scott was gathering.

He smiled softly as he spotted the Normandy and hesitantly reached out to grab it. Looking it over with a critical eye he was impressed by the small details that had been etched into the sturdy metal. It was beautifully crafted and whoever had built the thing had done it with love and attention to detail. The thought warmed his heart.

The door opened with a hiss and Scott strode through with a sigh. He reached the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head and threw it to the side in one smooth motion. Kaidan felt heart beat faster as he admired the view; pale skin and hard muscle, defined abs and heavy shoulders. As the younger man began unzipping his pants, Kaidan panicked and cleared his throat. 

Scott spun around with a startled intake of breath, hands reaching for a gun that wasn’t there, before he realized who it was. His face turned beet red and he bolted for his closet, hastily donning a Blasto tank. 

Kaidan set the Normandy back on its rack with a laugh and folded his arms across his chest as he took in the younger man from head to toe. He made sure to take his time. The red in Scott’s face deepened, but his eyes glinted something close to desire. Smiling, Kaidan gave a small wave. “Hey.”

“Hey there yourself,” Scott said, and tucked his hands in his pockets as if unsure what to do with them. 

Kaidan made his way over to the table with the whiskey and plopped on the couch, tapping the cushion right next to him, beckoning Scott over. “I brought you a little something to celebrate.” He pointed to the glass bottle of amber liquid and Scott’s eyes lit up with joy. Grinning, he sat down next to Kaidan, their knees knocking together. Kaidan didn’t move away from the touch and Scott eyed him up, considering.

“You going to pour that or should I?” Scott made to reach out for the bottle but Kaidan gently batted his hand away with a laugh. He opened the top and poured a generous amount in each glass, handing one to Scott.

He took a moment and savored the smell of the whiskey, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. A rush of excitement and anticipation had him grinning and he looked over at Scott who had been observing him quietly. Kaidan fingered the tip of his glass a moment while they both started at each other before raising the drink. “To successfully saving the Moshae.”

Scott smiled and raised his own glass to clink against Kaidan’s. “To securing the Angara’s cooperation in visiting the vault.”

Kaidan sipped the whiskey slowly and let out a soft whimper as it gently burned down his throat. A contented sigh slipped from his lips and he leaned back against the couch, head lolling back. “Oh hell,” and lifted his glass again. “To good whiskey and good company.”

The older man nearly jumped as he felt hot breath against his neck and a silky soft voice whisper in his ear. “To private quarters with thick sound proof doors.” 

Scott pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes. Kaidan held his breath, muscles tense, unsure of what to do. Was this too soon, was this what he even wanted? The answer was yes to both. Blue eyes questioned, waited for permission, confirmation, anything.

Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He set his whiskey down on the table without breaking eye contact, Scott doing the same. A tentative hand reached out and gently trailed down Scott’s cheek and the younger biotic sighed into the touch.

Gathering all his courage, Kaidan leaned in and kissed Scott.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	10. This Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is nothing but smut, feel free to skip to the end for plot, heh.

**This Moment**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan leaned in and deepened the kiss, bringing his hands to cup Scott’s face, softly rubbing his thumbs along the stubble covered skin. His lips opened to a probing tongue and he let out a quiet moan. Scott ran his hands up and down Kaidan’s chest until they rested at his hips, clutching tightly at the bunched fabric there. 

They broke the kiss, both gasping for air. Kaidan’s heart was racing and he was half hard just from the kissing. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, trying to regain some modicum of control over his body. A whimper escaped when he felt a velvety tongue run from his collarbone to suck at the pulse point at his neck. Teeth nibbled at tender red skin and he gasped, dick becoming painfully hard.

“Sco…uh…Scott,” Kaidan panted softly. Calloused hands slipped under his shirt and trailed up his stomach and flicked his nipples, causing a moan. The biotic opened his eyes and pushed the younger man back lightly. He met blown out blue eyes and his mouth dried, voice abandoning him; Scott Ryder was a beautiful man. Eventually Kaidan found words. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Scott smiled wickedly and kissed Kaidan again, harsh and forceful, swallowing a moan before pulling back. “Yes. I do. I really do.” He hesitated, finally showing a moment of uncertainty and asked, “Do you?” He bit his lip and Kaidan’s heart started racing again, eyes trained on those plump, kissable lips.

He swallowed heavily and nodded. “Yes. I want this too.” Kaidan grabbed Scott’s hand and ground it against his erection, groaning. “I want it so bad Scott.” 

“Fuck…Kaidan.” Scott pulled his tank top over his head and scrambled to remove the older man’s shirt. Kaidan lifted his arms obediently and when it was off he pressed Scott into the couch, grinding his hips against the other man. He was rewarded with a shocked gasp of delight before claiming Scott’s mouth with his own.

They spent a few minutes making out, hands roaming over hard muscles and soft skin, exploring each new area exposed, hips making shallow thrusts against each other. The friction was delicious, but not enough and finally Kaidan felt the mounting frustration of it. 

“Pants off” he growled. Fumbling for his belt buckle as Scott mirrored him. Pants hit the floor with a dull thump and Kaidan admired the view while Scott watched him, all of a sudden shy. Scott went commando…and god was that hot. His erection rested heavy against his stomach, already leaking pre-cum, foreskin hiding the crown, just begging to be sucked off.

Kaidan obliged. With a grin he dipped down and ran his tongue from the base of the shaft to the tip, pulling out the most wonderful sounds from Scott. He looked up into those blue eyes, shining with desire and got the subtle nod to continue. He took the tip in his mouth and nibbled at the foreskin, causing Scott to shudder and groan. Encouraged, Kaidan continued and pulled back the protective layer of skin and ran his tongue along the crown before settling to swipe the slit. 

Scott unraveled before him, panting and twitching under Kaidan’s special care. A thin sheen of sweat coated his chest and Kaidan ran his tongue up the younger man’s abs, stopping to suck and nibble at his nipples. He trailed his tongue further up and finally reached his mouth, kissing the soft lips and smiling.

“God you’re beautiful.” Kaidan pulled back and gripped his own dick, hard and slick behind the thin fabric of black underwear. 

Scott threw his head back and laughed, a deep belly chuckle. “Me? If you could see yourself right now. Fuck you’re hot Kaidan. I want you to fuck me so bad.” The last bit came out close to a whine and he was squirming beneath the older man, thrusting his hips up to gain any sort of friction against his dick. “Need you…” he panted.

Something primal surged within Kaidan and he felt it burn in his chest and coil in his guts. He let out a groan before yanking his underwear off, dick flopping free, heavy and leaking. He leaned back with a sigh of relief. 

“Fuck, oh god…Kaidan.” Scott grabbed his own dick, giving it a few rough strokes, muscles tense as he took in the man before him.  

Kaidan hummed in appreciation before dropping to Scott’s cock again, batting away the man’s hand. He gripped the base with calloused fingers and placed his mouth over the tip, swiping the head with his tongue before dropping down to take the dick fully in his mouth. He bobbed a few times, sinking lower each pass before finally relaxing his throat, hollowing out his cheeks and taking the dick to the hilt. He buried his nose in soft brown curls and hummed, tongue rolling and lapping. 

Scott cried out and grabbed Kaidan by the shoulders, trying to yank him off but Kaidan persisted, hot suction finally sending the younger man over the edge. He came with a shout; hot seed spilling into Kaidan’s waiting mouth. It was salty and bitter and while he didn’t really like the taste, he swallowed every drop before finally pulling back, letting the already softening cock plop with a wet smack.

“Shit. Oh man that was good.” Scott let out a breathless chuckle and raked his hands through his hair. He was breathing heavily and still occasionally twitching as in tiny aftershocks.

“It’s not over yet.” Kaidan grabbed his throbbing dick and slapped it against his palm, the wet smack causing Scott’s eyes to flicker open and hone in on Kaidan’s member, licking his lips. And damn if that wasn’t the hottest thing ever, Kaidan suppressed a shiver and got off the couch. He fixed the younger man with a stern gaze and pointed to the large soft mattress, just begging to be used. “Bed.”

The younger man laughed and mock saluted, giving a cocky “Yes sir!” before sauntering over to the bed. There was an exaggerated sway to his hips and seeing that tight ass out of jeans had Kaidan’s blood racing. He lunged forward, tackling Scott into the soft sheets, both of them laughing as they fought for dominance, flipping each other over, biting, and kissing. Kaidan finally claimed victory and pinned Scott’s hands above his head and ground his hard cock against the sensitive skin of Scott’s inner thigh.

Both of them groaned in unison. Kaidan noted with satisfaction that Scott was already hard and ready to go again. ‘Youth,’ he thought with a smile. He gripped Scott’s legs and rested them on his hips, rubbing his cock against Scott’s tight hole and pulled a heady gasp from his lips. 

Scott looked up at him, eyes filled with want and need before holding up a hand. He freed his legs and scooted over to the table at the side of the bed, grabbed a bottle of lube and held it out for the older man to grab.

Kaidan smirked and quirked an eyebrow in question; he opened the cap with a snap before pouring a generous amount on his fingers. Scott flushed, eyes trained on the slick fingers before answering. “It’s not like I planned on this happening. I bought that for uh…self care.” Kaidan snorted and began rubbing his entrance before gently slipping a finger through the ring of muscle, feeling how Scott pulsed around him. Scott threw his head back and clutched the bed sheets with tight knuckles, letting out a long and low moan.

He rocked his finger in and out, nice and slow and then added a second once Scott felt loose enough. Every time he coaxed a grunt or moan from the younger man, Kaidan felt his own dick stiffen, muscles clenching in anticipation. He added three fingers and increased the pace, scissoring and stretching Scott out. The younger man was panting and thrusting his hips in time with Kaidan before he finally surged up and pulled him into a wet, sloppy kiss. 

“I’m ready.” It was soft and full of need, practically a whimper. “Please…Kaidan…” 

“You’re so beautiful Scott.” Kaidan pulled his fingers out and Scott let out a low whine. Kaidan leaned in and trailed kisses up his neck until he nibbled at the base of his ear. Pulling back he grabbed the lube and poured the liquid all over his aching cock. He lined himself up with Scott’s entrance and pushed in with torturous slowness, Scott panting and twitching, but otherwise laying completely still. 

The slow stretch lasted until he was finally flush with Scott and Kaidan trembled slightly, afraid to move, knowing he would finish if he did. He allowed them both time to adjust before slowly building a rhythm with his hips, his hands exploring Scott’s hard body, brushing and tweaking sensitive skin. 

“You can…uuhhnn,” Scott rocked his hips back and thrust himself against Kaidan, “you can go as hard as you like…I can take it.” His breathing was heavy and Kaidan reached out to give a few rough strokes to the hard dick in front of him. “Yeah…oh god…Kaidan, fuck me, yeah baby, fuck me.” He wrapped his legs tightly against Kaidan’s waist and clenched his ass against the dick inside him.

Kaidan let out a loud cry, his thrusts matching the heartbeat pounding out of his chest, his hips pounding into the soft flesh before him. Tight slick heat drawing out every pleasure in his nerves, he felt his release coiling in his gut. He thrust harder and grabbed Scott’s dick, jerking it in time with the thrusts, causing the younger man to squirm and cry out underneath him.

He felt Scott stiffen underneath him and felt his dick swell before he cried out and lost himself in his second orgasm of the night. Scott clamped down on Kaidan’s dick and pulled him over the edge with him, giving three more shaky thrusts before coming deep inside the man. He rode the wave of bliss as it blanked out his senses, all feeling focused on what was happening with his dick. He let out a loud grunt and pulled out before slamming his dick in again, Scott gasping in pleasure. Kaidan slammed home two more times before finally collapsing on the sweat and cum covered body beneath him. 

A wheezing chuckle escaped him as he nuzzled into the crook of Scott’s neck, placing a few gentle kisses there. “Fuck.”

It was Scott’s turn to laugh as he gently shoved Kaidan off him, agreeing softy. “Yeah, fuck.” He took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. “That was so fucking good.” 

Kaidan rolled onto his back and threw his hands behind his head, satisfied smirk on his face. “Kinda makes you wish you had a cigarette, huh?”

Scott snorted and made a disgusted noise. “Don’t make me kick you out. That shit’s nasty.” The younger man got up and limped over to the closet, and Kaidan growled in delight at the sight. “Shut up,” Scott called over his shoulder.

He returned with a towel and proceeded to clean them both off before flopping back onto the bed with a satisfied sigh. “It feels like forever since I last got laid.”

“Agreed. God, it’s been what, six hundred years? Too damn long to be celibate.” Kaidan lay on his shoulder to face Scott, pulling the younger man close so they were touching again. He placed two soft kisses against his eyelids before pulling back to stare at him.

Blue eyes fluttered open and Kaidan felt a thrill flow from the bottom of his spine to flutter at his chest. “Thank you for tonight. It was…well, it was great. It meant a lot to me.”

“Yeah well…it meant a lot to me too, so, there.” Scott was flushing softly and he glanced away, staring at something behind Kaidan’s shoulder when he asked, “Will you stay the night with me?”

Kaidan tenderly grabbed Scott’s jaw and turned him till they were starting eye to eye; crystalline blue meeting whiskey brown. “Yes.”

\-----------------------------------------------

The hum of the ship woke him; he glanced around at the familiar surroundings and felt safe. He nestled up under the covers and snuggled closer to the sleeping man next to him, placing a gentle kiss on a sleep relaxed brow.

Kaidan felt the glow of love in his chest and it warmed him to the core. This is where he was meant to be; at this man’s side, supporting him, loving him. 

He glanced at his omni-tool, wincing at the orange glow. It was well into the sleep cycle, Kaidan didn’t have a duty shift for another seven hours. He smiled. Seven more glorious hours with Shepard; it felt like all the time in the world and it felt like no time at all.

A soft hum escaped his lips, a tuneless song emerging as he trailed his hand up and down the shoulders of the man he loved. Enjoying the smoothness of the skin and feeling the gentle rise of his deep breaths. Shepard was a different man when he slept, the mask of Commander falling off. 

The weight of the galaxy, always hanging on his shoulders, was set aside and Kaidan could see John underneath. It was a beautiful and precious gift. He loved and cherished every second. He wanted this moment to never end; he wanted an entire lifetime of moments like these. 

He felt the rumble of the ship and felt a familiar rising panic burn through his veins. “No…no. Not now, not yet. Please. Please no.” He was frozen as the ship twisted, metal shrieking as it warped and broke apart. The all too familiar terrible cold seeped into his bones, felt the pull of the void as the air was sucked from the room. Reached out too late, always too late, a finger brushing the tip of his lovers hand before it was pulled away.

Unable to move, Kaidan watched as a frightened pair of blue eyes met his own before he was swept away to die a cold and lonely death. ‘SHEPARD?”

Kaidan jerked awake with a gasp, covered in cold sweat, panic clouding his mind. He looked around; confused at where he was at before it all came tumbling back. He glanced over and there was Scott, sleeping deeply, unaware of Kaidan’s nightmare.

He shook his head to clear foggy thoughts and froze, pieces of the dream coming back to him. He glanced over to Scott again, fingers digging into the palm of his hand hard enough to cut into flesh. Guilt and shame flooded through him and he knew why. Kaidan blinked back angry tears and scrubbed his cheeks. 

Kaidan felt guilty because the pair of blue eyes in the dream did not belong to Shepard. 

No. 

They had belonged to Scott.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	11. The Exile

**The Exile**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan Alenko did not like Reyes Vidal. The reasons were many and Kaidan repeated the list in his head whenever Reyes’s natural charm tried to win him over. He was a smuggler, for one. He had shady connections to the black market, which made sense because, again, smuggler. He had ties to the Collective, a group of thugs just as bad, if not worse than Sloane Kelly’s Outcasts. He was also a self-made exile, having willingly left the Nexus. But truthfully, the most notable and probably the most aggravating to Kaidan was this; Reyes Vidal was a shameless flirt. And he flirted, a lot. He flirted a lot with Scott. 

Most days Kaidan was a reasonable man, one not prone to bursts of anger, his will an iron fist over what he considered his ‘baser’ emotions. He was not known for petty jealousy. Yet when Reyes flirted openly with Scott, and when Scott flirted back with Kaidan present, he felt a seething rage in his stomach mingled with hurt. 

Scott would laugh and ease Kaidan’s fears with a smile, a touch, a simple shake of his head and the feeling would dissipate…until the next time it happened. Which was with alarming frequency. 

Kaidan had taken to his own moments of petty satisfaction. When they would meet Reyes for more information or to work on some case or crisis, Kaidan would make sure to touch Scott in little ways. A kiss here, a hand placed ‘just so’ there. Reyes’s self-assured demeanor would slip for just a moment and Kaidan would give the man an indulgent grin. It was ridiculous, and so damn satisfying.

Reyes would then redouble his efforts to flirt with Scott and get him to flirt back. It was their own little war, their own little battle and eventually Scott had had enough of it. When he would meet Reyes, he stopped taking Kaidan with, much to both of their dissatisfaction.

He had been ready to challenge Reyes to a one on one duel, planning to smear the man against a wall with his biotics when Scott had told him he had kissed Reyes at Sloane’s party. He had been assured it was just to distract a guard from Reyes’s thievery, but that had not stopped Kaidan from planning a few nasty ways for the man to meet his demise. Thus, the time apart for ‘both their sakes’ as Scott put it.

Kaidan Alenko hated Kadara. He hated it almost as much as Jaal hated it. They would have long discussions about how awful the planet was. Poisonous and flammable water, an extremely high murder and death rate,dusty and hot, and Kadara also had Reyes Vidal on it 

He scowled at the drink in his hand as if it was the cause of all his problems. A whiskey neat, pretty decent quality too, for a sleazy dump of a bar, not that he’d ever say so out loud. He glanced at the Asari bartender. She would definitely gut him with that pig sticker she carried and brandished all the time.

Scott was off with Sloane of all people, which really pissed him off when he was told to wait at the bar. The younger man was off to face the Charlatan with Sloane-fucking-Kelly and Kaidan had to wait at the bar. It was outrageous. He scowled at his drink again before downing it in one swallow, reveling in the burning sensation as it went down. 

The Kett transponder was the reason they were on this stupid planet and they had found it already, Gil doing his techno magic to figure out where the Archon’s flagship was. They had what they needed and yet Scott was still determined to stay and help out here. He was optimistic about reconciling the Exiles with the Nexus. It was naïve but Kaidan loved him for it. 

He tapped the top of the bar with his cup, signaling for another drink. The Asari, Umi, smirked and poured him another. 

Kaidan took a long pull from the drink and sighed. It had come as a shock at first, that he  _ loved _ Scott, but after that first night they slept together they had stopped dancing around their feelings. Focused on spending more time together and Kaidan had opened up about Shepard. Their relationship and his ongoing struggles with reconciling his death. 

It had been a tender and profound moment and Scott had been nothing but supportive and understanding about the whole thing. Kaidan had cried in his arms and then they made love on and off again for most of the night cycle. 

Love. It wasn’t something Kaidan had been expecting to find in Andromeda. He had hoped for new purpose, new passion, maybe finally putting the pain of Shepard to rest. But he had never let himself hope to find a new love. Someone he could be open and honest with, be passionate for. He smiled at the thought. Scott was good for him and Kaidan thought he was good for Scott. They were an odd pair sure, but they fit well together.

Taking another long pull from the drink he stared out the long squat window, brown wasteland as far as the eye could see, spotted with pockets of drinkable water. After resetting the vault here, Kadara had become more habitable but certainly far from a golden world. Scott was out there somewhere in the inhospitable ‘free for all’ zone. Kaidan hated being left behind. He knew on the most basic level Scott was competent, strong, willful and independent, and he certainly didn’t want to be stifling, but would it have killed him to take an extra gun along? 

Kaidan didn’t trust Sloane as far as he could throw her, which to be fair would be pretty far, but still. Cora and Drack were all well and good, but an extra gun and an extra set of eyes to watch for any trickery Sloane might pull could only be for the better.

He let out an annoyed huff and finished his drink, his third whiskey since Scott had left. He was ready to be done, to be away from this planet and away from Reyes Vidal. 

The orange glow of his omni-tool stole him from his dark humor, the flashing light indicating he had an incoming call. 

“Alenko here. What’s up?”

“Heeeyyy, good news lover boy,” Gil’s cocky tone filtered through the comm link and Kaidan rolled his eyes at the nickname. “The transponders been decrypted and we’re ready to track the Archon’s location. Scott’s on his way back to the ship and boy is he in a fury.”

That piqued Kaidan’s interest. “Oh? Anything I should know?”

“Only that it had to do with Reyes, but he wouldn’t fess up anything else. Better beat him to the ship so you can welcome him home with kisses and sex, maybe that’ll calm him down.”

Kaidan snorted. “Noted. On my way now.”

He paid his tab while Umi waved her knife and quickly made his way towards the ship. Reyes pissing Scott off could only be good news, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	12. The Search for Meridian

**The Search for Meridian**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan attempted to pour all he was feeling into the Asari meditation technique, biotics flashing blue and the smell of ozone filling the air. He forced the pain and the terror he had felt seeing Scott die on the Archon’s flagship outside of himself. A small blue ball sprouted above his upturned palms but it flickered weakly, wavering in the air as his hands began to tremble.

Never again; never again would he lose someone he loved, he had thought. It was foolish, naïve. He was as much a soldier now as he had been in the Alliance. Every time they stepped off the Tempest into a potential hot zone, they risked never coming back.

Seeing Scott die on the Kett dreadnought, it had felt like losing Shepard all over again. The raw grief, the blinding rage at the Archon; it was all too familiar. Even after SAM had managed to bring Scott back, Kaidan hadn’t been able to shake that feeling of loss and helplessness. When he had finally been free of the stasis field he had run up to Scott and pulled him into a crushing hug, unable to stop the tears that had fallen, choking back sobs of relief. 

Never again he had thought. The blue ball flickered out with a hiss and Kaidan let out a string of nasty curses. 

He stood with a huff and cursed the fact that they lacked a decent training area on the ship. He needed to hit something, a punching bag would be ideal since he didn’t want to actually hurt anyone. 

They were on their way back to the Nexus, Salarian Ark in tow, Scott resting in the med-bay, Lexi’s orders. He had been clinically dead for a full minute. He had technically be dead longer his first death, when Alec sacrificed his life for Scott’s, but Kaidan had not been present to witness that. He had not been in a relationship and had not loved Scott then.

Kaidan took a deep breath to try and still his nerves, it did not help. He felt restless and jittery, so much pent up energy begging for release. Even after the exhausting fight on the Archon’s ship he felt wound up. Unable to sleep, unable to mediate, he needed to punch something.

He looked around the Pathfinder’s quarters, where he had been meditating, trying not to focus on Scott laying on a hard bed in the med-bay. It hadn’t changed much, Kaidan moving his few meagre possessions into the room and his limited change of clothes shared Scott’s closet space. Living lean, something he had learned in his time with the Alliance, it felt better that way, after being assigned from ship to ship. The less he owned the less he had to haul around. 

With the Andromeda Initiative, each passenger was given a small trunk in which they could store a very limited number of things. Clothes, food, toiletries, all the necessities were provided by the Initiative. So the space was normally limited to irreplaceable family heirlooms or items of great worth.

For Kaidan that had meant a framed picture of himself and his parents at the Orchard and a small carved tiger made of sandalwood. A gift from John, who had known that tigers were Kaidan’s favorite Earth animal. Those two things and the dog tags he still wore around his neck, one of his own and one of John’s. 

Scott had asked him about it, about why he still wore John’s dog tag. Kaidan had expected hurt or anger or jealously. Instead Scott had only offered love and understanding, patience and kindness. More than Kaidan deserved. Scott was an incredible man and Kaidan was lucky to have him.

He sighed and left for the med-bay. When he entered, the lights were dimmed and, being late into the night cycle, Scott was the only one there.

There were no chairs for him to pull over to the bedside and sit in, so he settled for the cold floor and laid his head back onto the bed Scott slept on. He felt comforted by the the constant sound of Scott breathing. Each deep intake of breath and the soft exhale that followed, assured Kaidan that he was alive, present with him, not lost forever. He matched his own breathing with Scott and felt his heart settle a little.

“You scared the hell out of me you know?” Kaidan frowned and spoke quietly, not wanting to wake Scott. “When I saw you die, when you fell to the floor.” He let out a soft huff. “Well, it brought back all sorts of horrible memories. I had told myself I would watch over you, that I would keep you safe, protect you from all harm.”

A bitter chuckle escaped his lips and he had to blink back tears. “It was stupid. You’re a grown man, able to make your own choices and live with the consequences...but damn that was hard Scott. The pain of losing someone you care…someone you love like that. It never leaves you. Or at least it hasn’t left me yet.”

He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I never wanted to feel that way again. Still don’t…heh…what I’m trying to say here is that, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to lose me either. What I’ve found here with you…well. It's more than anything I ever expected to have again, ever.”

Kaidan lifted his hand up and over his head to rest on the bed, so achingly close to Scott, yet not touching him. “Having you here with me, still breathing, still warm and full of life. It means everything. So never…never ever do that again.”

A warm hand enveloped his own and a silky soft voice whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Scott.” The name was spoken gently, tender and quiet; full of desperation and need.

“C’mere. Up on the bed. I can’t see your face.”

Kaidan huffed a laugh. “That bed can barely fit one, let alone the both of us.”

“It’s really cold up here alone Kaidan…I think…I think if I don’t get some extra body heat I might die after all.”

“Not funny Scott.” Kaidan said, voice breaking slightly.

“I know. It’s very serious. Now get your ass in this bed and spoon with me. You’re the big spoon.”

“Like always.” Kaidan was smiling as he said it. He stood quickly, slipping off his boots and then crawling into the bed with Scott, shimmying up nice and close. He wrapped his arms around Scott’s waist and the younger man let out a contented sigh. Kaidan trailed a few kisses along his neck and nestled in as close as he could. He was feeling better already. “This was a good idea” he murmured.

“Good thing you listened then.” He paused for a moment, body tensing before he let out a shaky breath. “Did you mean what you said?”

Kaidan blinked heavily, now that he had Scott in his arms and his warmth next to him he was quickly falling into the abyss of sleep. “What do you mean? I said a lot of things.” His jaw cracked in a huge yawn.

Scott let out a small sigh. His voice was halting, nervous and questioning. “Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

“Yes. I meant it. I love you Scott.” He didn’t hesitate, he didn’t question it. Kaidan knew, he loved Scott Ryder with his whole heart. Shepard was gone and he would never be replaced. He loved Scott and he still loved Shepard, but it was distant, muted. He knew eventually it would fade and all he would be left with were pleasant memories of years long gone. He was finally ok with that.

“Kaidan?” Scott asked, checking if he was still awake.

“Yeah?”

The younger man hesitated for a moment before saying, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	13. The Revelation

**The Revelation**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan waited on the Hyperion while Scott met with the Nexus Leadership on how best to proceed with making their way towards Meridian. From what he knew, the Turian, Asari and Salarian Pathfinders were all backing him on this and Kaidan was grateful for it. After all that they had done for them, it was about time they repaid the favor.

Ark Hyperion was a bustling hub of human activity, though occasionally you’d see a Salarian and Asari making rounds, data-pad in hand, faces scrunched in concentration. The Nexus was finally filled with life, both Milky Way and Angaran races coexisting in relative peace. The occasional scuffle here or there, but nothing major.

He was proud of that. Proud that he had a part in it, proud that Scott was fulfilling his role as Pathfinder so well. More and more it felt like a home in Andromeda was no longer a long shot, but something obtainable, something reasonable to believe in. Scott had a lot to do with that. 

Pulling out his own data-pad, Kaidan sat on a bench under a tree in the habitation deck on the Hyperion. A simulated breeze had the leaves and branches gently swaying and he found the familiarity comforting.

Bits of data on previous missions and Kett tactics lay before him and Kaidan took the time he had to further study his enemy, hoping to find some fatal flaw in their behaviors that could be exploited. Anything to further give them an edge when they sought out Meridian. 

He scrolled through the data, making notes here and there to go over with Drack later, after an hour he gave up with a sigh. Noting the time he frowned, Scott had yet to contact him, meaning the meeting with Nexus leadership was still in full swing, he winced in sympathy.

“How’s it going in there SAM?” Kaidan asked softly.

“Not well unfortunately. There is a divide on how to proceed, Tann is demanding no action be taken to pursue Meridian and further anger the Kett. I fear the others falling in line with his decision.”

Kaidan blinked in surprise. “What? They can’t be serious? Meridian is the best chance we have to get all the vaults working properly. How could they not see that?”

“Unknown. I have a theory, but without further data I can only provide you with conjectures and personal impressions of leadership. Neither would help in this circumstance.”

Tapping the data-pad against his leg idly, Kaidan hummed softly and nodded. “I guess it was more of a rhetorical question anyways. Ok, thanks SAM, keep me updated will you?

“Of course.” There was a moment of pause before the AI continued and Kaidan swore he heard hesitancy in its simulated voice. “Kaidan…I have something I wish to discuss with you, if you’ll permit it?”

“Yeah, of course SAM. What’s up?”

“Would you please join me in SAM Node? I would prefer if we were…face to face, so to speak.” The AI was hesitant again, it's normally monotone, inflectionless voice changing subtly. If he didn’t know any better, he would think SAM was nervous. 

“Sure. I’ll head right over, not far from you anyways.” Kaidan flicked off the data pad and made the short journey to SAM Node in silence. A fully realized AI could have feelings like nervousness though, he supposed. They were conscious beings with thoughts and feelings of their own. Kaidan wondered if it was weird more because SAM had never expressed such a thing to him before rather than…was SAM a shackled AI? Was it rude to ask that? He would have to ask Scott the next time they were alone.

The swish of the doors to SAM node stirred him from this thoughts and he looked at the swirling pattern that represented SAM’s conscious mind. It was a beautiful thing.

“Here I am SAM. So what’s up?”

“Kaidan. I am conflicted between two of my cognitive parameters; loyalty to the Pathfinder and my own desire to be honest. I requested your assistance as you are known as a ‘man of integrity’ by most of the crew and Scott highly values your advice.” 

Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned back against one of the panels, mulling over SAM’s words, a sense of unease settled into his gut. “Well thank you SAM, I’m not sure if I am the right guy for the job, but I’ll do my best.”

“No. I sought you out specifically. You are indeed the right choice for this line of questioning. May I proceed?”

He shrugged and cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Ok, go for it.”

“I find myself in disagreement with one of the Pathfinder’s choices. In all matters pertaining to the mission I will always defer to his judgment. But this decision does not affect the mission and therefore I am conflicted with his determination.”

The AI paused for a moment to allow Kaidan to digest the information before continuing. “We uncovered information that a member of the crew would greatly desire but there is a high probability that such information would negatively impact them. Scott’s desire is to withhold such information for the wellbeing of the crew member while I believe that such information should be conveyed regardless, as the crew member has the right to know. I am conflicted because I trust Scott but believe he is letting personal feelings influence his decision regarding this matter. Kaidan, what would you do when faced with this situation?”

Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to collect his thoughts and form some sort of coherent response. He tapped his finger against his arm before asking, “You are certain that the information does not affect the mission? There isn’t any chance that it could jeopardize things?”

The blue of the AI chamber pulsed with each word SAM spoke. “I am…unsure. The information will not affect the Pathfinder mission or the Initiative’s goal to make Andromeda a viable home. It may throw a negative light on the Initiative itself and its motivations for coming to Andromeda though. Regardless, I believe this crew member could be trusted with such information as it is, again, of a very personal nature to them.”

“That’s a tough call SAM,” Kaidan said with a huff. He ran his hands through his hair and rolled his shoulders back before letting them drop to his side. “You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this and have come to your own conclusion regardless of what I say. So here is what I’ll put out there and you can do what you want with it from there.” 

This line of questioning had Kaidan uncomfortable and he understood SAM’s conflict of interests. He understood loyalty to Scott and wanting to back his decisions. He understood the desire to be open and honest with the crew, people he had come to call friends. It was a tough place to be in, the AI in everyone’s head, privy to all their conversations whether they wanted it or not.

He turned to face the glowing hub that was SAM. “Give the crew member a choice. Let them decide whether they want to know this information or not, that way the decision doesn’t rest solely on you.”

It was the best he could come up with and it fell short even to his own ears. He let out an annoyed huff and crossed his arms again, waiting for SAM to respond.

“Understood. Kaidan, thank you. I believe I will take your advice. I have unlocked the Pathfinder’s quarters here on the Hyperion so you may access the terminal there. The files that pertain to you are no longer encrypted and you can access them at any time.” Kaidan blinked back the shock and uncertainty he was feeling. “I will however let Scott know that I have done this and accept whatever consequences this may have on our relationship.”

“SAM…” he paused, unsure how to continue. The news rolled through his thoughts; Scott was keeping something from him. Something he thought would harm him, but SAM thought he should know. 

Trust. It was such a fickle and breakable thing. After Scott had finished his business on Kadara, Sloane was dead and Reyes revealed as the Charlatan. He had come to Kaidan and they had a long in-depth conversation about trust. Kaidan had been jealous of the flirting, sure, but deep down there had been fear there. Fear of unfaithfulness, fear of disloyalty and fear of being replaced by a smooth talking smuggler. It was foolish. Scott was a good man, he had integrity, honesty and he  _ was _ loyal. They had mutual respect for each other and that was something that Kaidan held in high esteem. 

So this idea that Scott could be keeping something this important from him, it twisted in his gut. A part of Kaidan wanted to trust him, believe in his reasons and believe that he had his best interests at heart. The other part, it doubted, it over analyzed, it grew suspicious. 

Why would SAM so strongly oppose Scott’s decision in this matter? What could be so important?

“The door is unlocked Kaidan.” The mechanical voice sounded almost morose and Kaidan realized he was standing in front of the Pathfinder’s quarters, feet having taken him there while his mind whirled away. He let out a soft sigh and stepped forward, doors opening with a swish.

He took his time giving the room a good once over, admiring the pistols on display, gleaming little insights on who Alec Ryder, the man, was. Scott had not changed a thing, he said. Never staying in the room for long.

The terminal dominated the room and he made his way forward reluctantly. He pulled up the personal logs of Alec Ryder, most still encrypted for Scott’s eyes alone. But there was one file that was available, just one simple click and he would break Scott’s trust. He could wait and let Scott explain himself. He couldn’t be that much longer with the leadership. Just a quick conversation and they could clear it all up.

His hand clicked open the file, a few audio logs popped up and he played them one by one and one by one Kaidan’s world crumbled. 

Reapers. They had come and started their war. Kaidan felt sick to his stomach as he listened to the different pleas for help from the strongest military forces in the Milky Way galaxy. They were being overrun and Kaidan had abandoned them. Had abandoned his duty and family and left them to the mercy of Reapers.

Kaidan blinked back tears that threatened to fall, tried to steady his breathing as his heart pounded in his chest, each beat feeling like a sharp stab. There was one more file to open. He dreaded what it contained but opened it regardless. He deserved this pain, he ran away and now he knew the truth of the home he had left behind.

The audio played and a familiar voice filled his ears. The calm steadied voice of a young Asari, Liara. His heart ached and he desperately hoped they had somehow survived, somehow beat the Reapers back. Liara would be a little over seven hundred by now if she lived. The tears leaked down his cheeks.

“…ark times, yes, but we have hope. We were given a gift, a second chance. If you are hearing this, know that all is not yet lost. Commander Shepard is alive. He is with us and he is gathering a combined force of every Milky Way species to his side. We can win this. I have faith in him. Shepard will lead us to victory.”

“SAM?!” Kaidan let out a hoarse shout. He was struggling to breath and he felt light headed. This wasn’t happening; there was no way in hell this was happening. “Tell me what the fuck that was?”

“Tight beam transmissions received from Dr. Tsoni, sent to Alec while everyone was still in cryo sleep. The Ark was still within an allowable distance to receive such data and length of time was irrelevant.” 

Kaidan was lost in a storm of his own emotions, each one flickering for dominance. Shock, grief, rage, helplessness, each one pierced his heart like a knife, froze his lungs and his body shook with the intensity of it all. He choked out “Is it true?” voice breaking at the last minute.

“I have no way to prove or disprove Dr. Tsoni’s words. It does seem highly unlikely she would lie about such a thing, given her relationship with John Shepard.”

“I can’t breathe SAM.” 

“You are having a panic attack Kaidan, please allow me to assist.” There was a faint tingling in the back of his spine that slowly moved throughout his body, lungs forcibly loosened and he took a deep, halting breath. “I have already alerted Scott, he should be here momentarily.”

“Don’t!” He cursed angrily as the doors swished open and Scott strode through, frustration warring with concern on his face.

Scott hesitated a moment, blue eyes searching Kaidan’s face, clearly not pleased with what he found there, before saying, “I told SAM not to tell you, I didn’t want…”

Kaidan interrupted him with a snarl, “What the fuck Scott?! Why would you keep something like this from me?” His voice rose with each word until it was a deafening shout. Kaidan struggled to keep his emotions in tact, a broken damn slowly being overwhelmed.

The younger man looked like he had been slapped, momentarily dazed by the intensity in Kaidan, like nothing he had ever been before. His voice countered Kaidan’s, filled with frustration and rising anger. “I didn’t want to see you get hurt. I didn’t want you to react like this!”

Rage won out. “I deserved to know,” he bellowed, the blue of his biotics flickered to life before damping out. “You had no right to keep this from me! I put my trust in you!”

“Kaidan, please! I didn’t mean…” Scott reached out a hesitant hand towards him but halted mid-way, uneasy in what he saw in Kaidan’s eyes.

“Don’t.” His voice was leaden and heavy and he waved the younger man off. “We’re done. I’m requesting a transfer off your ship.”

“Kaidan please.” Scott whispered, voice full of desperation. “You don’t mean that. You’re just…”

Rage burst forth again, swift and Kaidan lost control, his biotics bursting to life, the smell of ozone flooding the room. He launched a chair across the room, it crashed into the shelf of guns, glass shattering and prized guns scattering across the floor.

“I left Shepard to fight alone, to die alone!” His voice broke and his body trembled and for a moment Kaidan thought he would collapse. He rallied himself and pushed past Scott, desperate to get away. He did not fail to notice how Scott flinched at the contact; Kaidan had to just…get away.

He left Scott standing alone, arms across his chest, shoulders shaking gently as tears fell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	14. Interlude II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one felt like one of my strongest chapters, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe its just that, it plucks on all my heartstrings? This moment in Mass Effect was so powerful for me, and I really wanted to do the scene justice, but also with my own twist to the whole thing. Hope you enjoy.

**Interlude II**

 

* * *

 

Shepard leaned back against the upraised platform in the center of the room with a pained grunt, his mentor and the only man he ever viewed as a father figure resting next to him. He allowed himself a moment to stare out into the vast expanse before him. Earth, his home, looked close enough to reach out and touch. A blood soaked hand lifted, shaking before he let it drop.

Anderson broke the silence. “Commander.” His voice was rough and uneven.

“We did it.” Shepard replied.

“Yes. We did. It’s uh,” he cleared his voice roughly, “it’s quite a view.”

Shepard laughed softly, the action causing the wound in his side to ache fiercely for a moment. “Best seats in the house.”

“You ever wonder how things would have been different.” Anderson paused briefly. “How our lives would _be different_ , if this hadn’t happened?”

“Sure.”

“I’ve never had a family Shepard. Never had any children.”

Shepard smiled, a little disbelieving as he said. “There’s time now. Time enough for all of that.”

Anderson let out a strained chuckle and shook his head. “I think that ship has long since sailed. What about you? Ever think about settling down?”

“Maybe once…” John trailed off a moment and clutched his side, blood still flowing from the wound there. “It was never something I thought about until I met Kaidan. He made me see the world differently. Made me want to be a better man. I thought…with him, yeah. Guess my ship sailed away too.”

“Shepard.” Anderson’s voice was hesitant, halting as he struggled for breath. “I need to tell you something…and I’m sorry it took having us get here, to this moment to tell you…”

John blinked back heavy lids, forcing himself to focus on the man beside him, to focus on staying awake. “Let’s hear it.”

“Kaidan was a good kid. One of the best. Real torn up about your death and…Shepard, he didn’t die. He left on a ship bound for Andromeda, with the Initiative. I lied and I’m sorry.”

“He…he’s alive?” Relief welled up in his throat and a burden he had been carrying for so long fell from his shoulders, realization coming just moments after. “…Andromeda. He’s alive but gone.” Shepard tore his gaze from the view in front of him and turned to the man at his side, meeting tired brown eyes filled with grief. He was so damn tired. “Why? Why lie to me?”

The older man paused, shoulders slumping inward. “It all seems so foolish now. An old man trying to do right by the Alliance rather than the man he considers…” He let out a huff and shook his head. “I wanted you focused on the mission, the present, not thinking about Kaidan in some far off galaxy.”

“You were afraid I’d chase after him? Leave my duty unfulfilled?”

“You’re a good man, John, I’ll admit it was wrong of me to fear that about you.”

Shepard felt hurt and a little angry at the suggestion and then it all fell away. He looked over at the man beside him, his mentor and friend, saw the blood seeping through fingers. He saw the way Anderson’s breathing was labored, the way his eyes fluttered and struggled to stay open. Grief pooled in his gut and John had to bite back a groan. “I forgive you.”

Anderson let out a half sob and reached out an unsteady hand which Shepard grasped in his own. “Never had my own children, John. But I always…always considered you a son.” He let those words sink in before turning back to face the view. “God, it feels like years since I just sat down.”

Shepard attempted a shaky laugh. “I think you’ve earned a rest…Anderson?” The older man grunted in reply, eyes fluttering open. Shepard’s voice cracked. “Stay with me. We’re almost through this.”

“You did good son. You did good…” he nodded his head and leaned back. “I’m proud of you…” his voice trailed off quietly and Shepard let out a soft sob as the man stilled.

“Be seeing you soon…dad.” He swiped an arm across his face, smearing blood there but wiping away the falling tears.

Everything felt so damn heavy, every breath an enormous effort and part of him was ready to just give in, close his eyes and wait for the end.

“Shepard?” A voice sounded over the comms. “Commander!”

He blinked open his eyes, struggled to get up despite every protesting muscle labored breath. “I…wh..what do you need?”

“Nothing’s happening. The crucible’s not firing.” Hackett paused momentarily and Shepard fell to his knees, reaching for the console that had opened the citadel arms. “It’s got to be something on your end.”

His hands left bloody smears on the floor and his leg wouldn’t work properly as he dragged himself forward, eyes blurring.

“Commander Shepard.” Hackett sounded panicked.

“I don’t see…I’m not sure how to…” He reached one bloody hand out and with rising panic, John surrendered to the dark.

\--------------------------

“WAKE UP!”

Shepard opened his eyes with a low groan, every part of his body aching, and took in his surroundings. It was sensory overload and for a moment he felt a sense of rising terror, surrounded by space, breath catching and heart beating erratically before his brain processed the mass effect fields surrounding them. He wasn’t spaced, he was alive and relief flooded his system.

“Shepard.” The voice was soft and husky, so familiar it sent shivers down his spine. It was the same, as if no time had passed at all and yet…it was more, something vast and unexplainable lingered just beyond his senses. Shepard whipped his head around despite protesting muscles and let out a small cry.

“Kaidan.” He stood shakily to his feet and then managed to limp over to the specter that had called out to him, that loomed before him. He waited, tall and beautiful, strong and kind. Kaidan smiled and reached out to him, John’s heart racing.

Their hands touched, slid through each other and the mirage was ruined, the hologram flickered and Kaidan offered him an apologetic smile.

“You’re not him.”

The hologram shrugged and looked away, off towards three pillars of light, one deep blue, another a vibrant green and the last an angry red. They danced and pulsed with power. “You already knew that, John. Kaidan is long gone.” The voice was different now, the changes more noticeable; an underlying voice just barely out of sync with the husky song that was Kaidan.

Shepard’s shoulders dropped, heavy with loss, once again reminded of just how out of reach his love really was. “Why do you look like him?”

A familiar breathy laugh danced along his ears and Shepard flinched as if struck. Hearing that again, knowing that it was a lie yet still desperately wanting to believe it was true, it hurt more than he wanted to admit.

“You love this man, this face. It was thought that seeing this visage would help you see reason. We have much to discuss, you and I.” A Turian ship exploded off in the distance, shards and debris bouncing harmlessly off the mass effect field protecting them, stark emphasis on the specters last words. It gave a vicious smile, twisted Kaidan’s beautiful face in a way Shepard had never seen and a feeling of dread washed over him, this was _wrong_. “Not a lot of time to do it either.”

Shepard grimaced and with an angry bark said, “Get on with it then. Who are you?”

The specter threw his arms open wide and spun, gesturing all around him. “I am the god of this galaxy. I am its savior, its engineer, its perfector.” It made a mockery of Kaidan’s husky laugh and turned terrible, empty eyes toward him. “I am the catalyst.”

“…I thought the citadel was the catalyst.” His mind struggled to comprehend what he was hearing.

“No, the citadel is part of me and I _am_ the catalyst.”

“I need to stop Reapers. Do you know how I can do that?” Shepard’s voice was tired, pleading.

Head turned to the side, it narrowed its cold eyes as it considered his words. “Perhaps…I control the Reapers; they are my solution.”

Shepard’s lifeblood leaked through his fingers, he forced himself to remain conscious as eat step shot pain and agony through his body, limping after the drifting phantom that held Kaidan’s face. “Solution to what?”

The being stopped before the pillars of light and looked up, Shepard following its gaze; the green pillar stood foremost before them. “Chaos.” It turned to face him once more. “I was created to bring balance; to be the catalyst for peace between synthetics and organics. I embody the collective intelligence of all Reapers.”

“But you were created?” Shepard’s question seemed to offend the being before him. As if being reminded that it was created, that it was an artificial construct made by fallible beings of flesh was inherently shameful.

The not-Kaidan scowled, face pinched in an inhuman way that sent chills down Shepard’s spine. “…Correct. I was created by ones who recognized conflict would always arise between synthetics and organics.” It stepped closer to him and reached out a flickering hand, trailed it down his cheek and Shepard felt nothing. “Organics create synthetics to improve their own existence but those improvements have limits. To exceed those limits synthetics must be allowed to evolve.” It paused momentarily and shrugged. “It must, by definition, surpass its creators. The result is conflict and chaos, always; thus the harvest.”

Shepard struggled not to shout, to rail and scream. “That’s not true. Look at the Quarians and the Geth. They brokered peace, are working together to rebuild their home!”

It scoffed and shook its head, once more reaching out for Shepard, who flinched away from the ghostly touch. It let the hand drop, indifferent to the rejection. “A temporary farce, it will not last. The creators will suppress their creations; the created will rise up against the creators. It has happened over and over, an unending cycle of chaos. The harvest stops this and organic life continues in the young races.”

This was all wrong, the creature before him with Kaidan’s likeness, the destruction that went on around them in complete silence, the three beams of light, and all the flawed reasoning and thinking coming from a cold, emotionless AI created by flawed organic creatures. He listened on as the specter gave him three solutions, control, synthesis and destruction.  Shepard tried to argue, to find a different way but there was none and they were out of time.

The catalyst and the crucible were not what they had believed, but it was all they had. This was too much for one man to decide; the fate of an entire galaxy held in three choices. The weight of it was crushing.

John turned from the being in front of him, decision made, may he be forgiven for it. He limped towards the beam that would seal all of their fates. Control…he wasn’t naïve enough to believe he could be trusted with all that power; to ascend into artificial godhood. There was no guarantee that this new self would be any better than the catalyst; that the harvest wouldn’t inevitably continue.

Synthesis at first thought seemed like the right choice. It would ensure understanding between organics and synthetics by making them the same, by merging the two into one. But again, the Reapers would remain. Promises of their benevolent leadership sounded hollow in his ears, once more the chance of harvest remained. The idea that he would violate and irreversibly change every life the in galaxy without their permission also left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He chose destruction. It was the only choice really. Permanently end the Reapers, destroy them completely and utterly. His heart ached at the thought of losing EDI, of killing off an entire sentient race and he desperately hoped the catalyst was lying on that count.

Shepard lifted his pistol with a trembling hand, pointed it at the power conduit and fired, over and over until the clip was empty and the conduit exploded. As the flames licked around him and darkness clouded his mind, his thoughts were of Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	15. Carry On

**Carry On**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan Alenko had made a terrible mistake. He had let his pride, his anger and his hurt control him. He had torn apart a beautiful thing in his life, a beautiful man. They had parted ways on terrible terms. Scott and the crew of the Tempest flew away and Kaidan remained on the Nexus. His request for reassignment had been processed within two hours of their fight and Kaidan had taken grim satisfaction in the notification from his omni-tool; the anger and betrayal still nestled ugly in his chest.

It had been two weeks since they had seen each other, since they had spoken. Kaidan had time to cool off, time to think, time to regret. His new assignment was with Dr. Carlyle on the Hyperion, his skills as a field medic considered “acceptable” to work in the med bay as an assistant. His original duty roster as a biotic instructor had been overwritten by the Pathfinder Team protocol, but they were able to recover the data. 

He had been asked if he wished to go back into cryo-stasis as they still did not have a need for his expertise at this time, the outposts established were still small and they had only just started removing the reproduction inhibitors from the colonists. No need for him yet. The idea had bounced around in his head and he had toyed with the idea before ultimately declining.Instead, he chose to stay awake and help with the small injuries, the day to day stuff that an engineer might sustain while doing routine maintenance on the Nexus or various Arks. His days passed in relative boredom and the pain of loss. 

Scott’s absence felt like a wound in his chest, a dull ache that would throb and pulse at the most in-opportune and random times. They had spent over eight months together in Andromeda. Four of those in an actual relationship. At some point during that time Kaidan had become accustomed to Scott’s presence and now the distinct lack of such was tortuous.

There were nights when the ache would get to be too much and Kaidan would lay awake, replaying the fight over and over in his head. He would watch himself rail against the man he loved, would watch the way Scott flinched and ultimately crumbled under the onslaught. He had not deserved that. Kaidan would take it back if he could; he would take it all back. 

Three times he almost contacted Scott, sent him an email, apologizing, requesting a chance to speak the next time the Tempest was docked. He never managed to send them. Three drafts, three deleted files on his terminal.

SAM was silent throughout it all. Unsure if the chip in his implant had been disabled or was malfunctioning, he had asked Harry to take a look. It had been confirmed still functional, so either SAM had been commanded to remain silent or was upset with how Kaidan had reacted as well. 

Kaidan busied himself with organizing different blood samples by type and donor name. It was monotonous work, mind numbingly boring and far better than sitting alone in his small apartment on the Nexus or drinking away his sorrows at the one bar open on the entire space station. He had done that once, on the second night after Scott left. It had been a pathetic display and he never wanted a repeat performance.

His omni-tool chirped and Kaidan accepted the call while he disposed of a corrupted sample, the hesitant voice on the other end was Kelly, one of the nurses on the Hyperion. She spoke softly, “Kaidan? I know you’re busy with the samples today and not on duty roster, but we have a patient who requested to see you specifically?”

He frowned and stared at the blinking orange device as if it would answer his unspoken question. It was definitely an odd request as he didn’t have specific patients and normally the nurse on duty would have told the patient this, taking care of the check-up themselves. “Uh, did they say why they needed me? Is it something you can take care of Kelly?”

Gone was the hesitance of before and annoyance trickled through over the comm channel. “I let her know you were busy and I could help her, but she is insisting.”

“Yeah ok, ok sure. Uh, I guess send her back to examination room and send me her file, I’ll take care of it.” After a brief ‘thank you’ he cut the call and stored the samples for later examination. Stripping off the gloves and apron he was wearing, he exited the cooler and waited for the decontamination procedures to finish before making his way over to the examination room.

The omni-tool pinged once more and he pulled up the file, freezing when he read the patient name. Sara Ryder. 

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath. 

This was not something he wanted to deal with, wasn’t even sure how to deal with it. They had met and spoken to each other a few times, Scott desperate and excited to introduce Kaidan to his only surviving family after she woke up. It had seemed to go well, as far as he could tell, which honestly wasn’t much. Scott had assured him that she had approved and liked him.

“Bite the bullet Kaidan, get it over with.” He wanted to make amends, to somehow repair what he had broken with Scott. Blowing off the man’s twin sister would not help anything in that regard and maybe she would be able to help. He took a deep breath and let it out before reluctantly waving open the door. Sara, seated in one of the three chairs in the room, looked up from a data pad at the swishing sound and offered him a tentative smile.

“Hi,” she said, as if this was the most perfectly normal situation and not some messed up sudo-familial exchange. 

“Sara…I” he began but she held up a hand to stop him and shook her head.

“Hey Kaidan, I didn’t come here to ream you out or to hear you apologize or even justify yourself.” She glanced down at her data pad again with a small frown.

He folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the door, his face carefully neutral. “Then why are you here?”

“Look. I talked to Scott about what happened and it was fucked up, alright? On both sides.” She tapped the data pad against her lap as she continued, still not looking at Kaidan. “I think what he did was wrong, keeping something like that from you.” She finally looked up and met his eyes, silver chipped blue watching whiskey brown. “I also think that you grossly over reacted and acted like an all-around jack ass.”

She stood up and started pacing and Kaidan kept silent, willing to hear her out, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “Whatever you’ve got going on between you two, normally that’s not my business. Scott’s a grown man who can make his own choices and so are you.” 

Sara sighed and ran her hands through her shoulder length brown hair. “But seriously, Scott is fucking miserable right now.” She turned and pointed an accusing finger at him. “And I talked with Harry, you’re doing no better. What the hell is wrong with you two?” She threw her hands into the air in exasperation and stopped the pacing. “Fucking get your shit together and just apologize, have make-up sex and move on, damn it.”

Kaidan blinked at the onslaught, Sara having a far more colorful vocabulary than her brother. “Sara it’s not that simple, the things I said…”

“No Kaidan, it really  _ is  _ that simple.” She leaned forward and Kaidan found himself pressed against the wall with the intensity of her gaze. “Scott loves you. He’s fucking head over heels, the dumb shit. He’s also bull headed stubborn. That he got from dad.” A momentary flicker of sadness danced across her face before she cleared her throat. “He’d take you back in a second. I get the feeling you’d do the same.”

His voice was hoarse as he answered, thick with emotion as he thought of reconciliation with Scott. He nodded. “Yeah, I would.”

“Good. Then do it. He’s set to make port tomorrow so pack your shit, get all fancy and meet him at the door. Have a bottle of whiskey in your hand and wear those pants you wore when we met the first time. You know, the ones that hug your ass and make it look fucking perfect.” She let out an exaggerated sigh and then offered him a wicked grin. “Heard you were bi Kaidan and all I can think about now when I see your ass is how unfair it is you met my brother first.” 

Kaidan let out a snort of laughter and shook his head. “You Ryder’s are unbelievable.” He let his laughter die down before continuing more seriously. “Hey Sara…thanks.”

She rolled her eyes and huffed. “Yeah, well, don’t expect me to keep pulling your asses out of the fire each time you both start acting like shit heads.” She softened her words with a smile that Kaidan returned, feeling relief and optimistic for the first time since the fight. 

“Hey so maybe tonight you want to head to the bar and get some celebratory drinks?” Kaidan rolled his shoulders uncomfortably as he waited. Sara seemed to consider it before smirking.

“Your treat, right?” 

Kaidan let out a soft chuckle and nodded. “Yeah, of course. I gotta pay you…” He let out a yelp of surprise as the entire room shook, scrambling for balance while the ship lurched. “What the hell?”

The ship shook again and Kaidan fell to his knees, Sara colliding into him with a grunt. Sirens started blaring as they got to their feet and dread filled him. The overhead comms chirped to life with Captain Dunn’s frantic voice.

“This is not a drill, we have Kett boarding the Hyperion. Repeat, this is not a drill. Communication with the Nexus has been severed. Everyone prepare for…” The comms cut off with a shriek and both Sara and Kaidan winced at the sound. He checked his omni-tool and the comms were severed there as well.

“Fuck.” Kaidan looked over at Sarah and nodded his agreement. 

“Kaidan, Sarah.” He nearly jumped as SAM’s monotone voice filled his head, relief at hearing the familiar voice short lived as it continued on. “Kett forces are sweeping the ship. They are looking for you. Sara, Kaidan, the pathfinder needs your help.”

“This is crazy,” Sara replied. “He’s closing on Meridian.”

“The Archon has severed my link to your brother’s implant. If basic functionality is not manually restored, he will die.”

Kaidan’s stomach bottomed out and he found it hard to breath. “WHAT?! SAM how is that even possible?”

“Kaidan please. You and Sara must proceed to Depot K-4 to secure a weapon.”

“God damn it.” Sara strode to the door and waved it open and Kaidan followed her out. The med-bay was swarming with people, some fleeing, others securing precious supplies and still others making barricades and readying weapons. They swiftly armed themselves, Kaidan with a trusty rifle and Sara a handgun and sniper rifle. He side-eyed her and she gave him a shaky smile, neither of them were armored. Kaidan’s was still on the Tempest and Sara’s was back in the pathfinder’s quarters.

“You will need to make your way to the QEC and manually reboot the comms, this will reconnect my link with Scott.” SAM’s normal monotone was strained, as if he too, was feeling the overwhelming fear of losing Scott. Saving him was Kaidan’s total focus, the only reason he wasn’t losing his mind with worry. Reboot the comms, kill Kett, save Scott.

This was his mantra as they made their way through the ship. Kaidan’s biotics swirled around him, tearing apart enemy flesh and creating powerful barriers to protect both himself and Sara. She was not biotic and without armor she was terribly vulnerable. He made sure to protect her as much as he could. 

“I’m sorry I cannot help, I took over too much control of your brother’s implant. Losing me will kill him.”

“I can handle myself, thanks SAM,” Sara huffed.

Like Scott, Sara was a force to be reckoned with on the field. Her skill with a gun was superior to Kaidan’s, each shot took an enemy down. She used her omni-tool to overload barriers and to cloak, disappearing for a few terrifying seconds. Kaidan was unable to keep her shielded, before appearing behind an enemy to unleash devastation.

As they made their way further along they ran into Captain Dunn. She guided them to a maintenance tunnel that allowed them to skirt a large number of Kett forces. Dunn and her troops made themselves a target so they could get by undetected. It would cost lives and Kaidan hated that they had no other choice.

“SAM!? Dunn won’t last long.” Sara was panting softly as she spoked. “What’s the plan?”

“You must manually send a reset signal. It will reset your brother’s implant.”

“Like a factory reset?” Kaidan asked.

“To restore functions I should not have taken. With luck, his heart will not have stopped.”

“What the hell SAM?” His own heart beat frantically and Kaidan had to force the budding panic in his chest to the side, focusing on killing the enemy that managed to get in their way.

“Do you mean luck or hope?” Sara asked as they entered the QEC. SAM highlighted the needed terminal with a small blinking light and they dashed over to it.

“I’m…not sure.” 

Kaidan let out a nervous sigh as they scanned the terminal, bringing up the needed systems for a manual reboot.

“Ok. We’re here SAM. Now what?”

“One pulse Sara. That’s all the Pathfinder needs.”

Sara looked over to Kaidan and he understood, swallowing heavily before nodding. “It’ll probably alert the Archon. He’ll know exactly where we are.”

The AI was silent a moment. “I am sorry.”

She took a deep breath. “Me too SAM, me too.” The pulse went off and SAM fell silent. Moments later the room was flooded with Kett troops and Kaidan let out a massive Reave followed by a Shockwave. The resulting explosion staggered the both of them and coated the walls with green blood. 

Kaidan cracked with blue energy, it swirled around him and he blocked Sara with his own body, more Kett blocking their only exit. “Stay behind me,” he shouted over the hum of his power. He threw up a barrier as the enemy opened fire and launched a nova, killing a few and causing the rest to scatter. “Let’s go!” 

He surged forward for the opening he had created, Sara close behind when a ball of orange energy shot towards them, huge and terrible, it crackled with power. Kaidan made a split-second decision, using a Throw, he knocked Sara away and took the full force of the blow. He screamed and fell to his knees as pain and fire crackled up and around his unarmored body, barrier shredded in seconds.

A hard, cold hand closed around his neck and he looked into the eyes of the Archon as he was lifted, feet dangling in the air. He struggled, useless against the immovable force and started seeing spots as his body screamed for air. 

“Your struggle was useless, your Pathfinder dead. I will have what I need, either implant will do.” The Archon smiled, frigid and terrible. “I only need one. The Sister? Or the lover?”

“Don’t you fucking touch him, you bastard.” Sara screamed and Kaidan tried to see her out of the corner of his eye; she was being man-handled by two Kett Ascendants. “I will come willingly, please. Just let him live.”

The Archon laughed and his grip on Kaidan’s throat tightened, he gasped for air and found none. His vision grew blurry as his feeble kicking stopped and he surrendered to the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	16. An End

**An End**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan awoke groggily, head throbbing and mouth dry. He felt the world around him shudder violently; the tremors having woken him up. He was alive. His breath came in painful rattles. He gingerly touched his neck and winced. It was raw and bruised, swollen and heated to the touch. The biotic got to his feet shakily and took in his surroundings, clearly was still on the Hyperion and Sara was nowhere in sight. 

He was in one of the containment cells for patients with contagious infections, glass observation windows thick and impenetrable showed two Kett standing guard over his prison. He didn’t understand why he had been kept alive. It would have been far more efficient to just kill him off; sparing his life just didn’t make sense. The door glowed red, lock in place.

Looking himself over he did a test, his biotics lit up fine and they hadn’t taken his omni-tool either. He let out a half hysterical sob of relief. They had literally thrown him in a room and left him all the tools he needed to escape. It was the utmost display of arrogance. 

With a quick flash of orange Kaidan brought up his interface to start hacking the door,  a simple task quickly accomplished. He kept his eyes on the guards as his program did its work. 

The lock clicked to green and the doors swished open. Kaidan was on the Kett in a flash, biotics glowing. He Reaved them both and Threw them into the wall with a sickening crunch. They fell to the floor, dead and bloody. Kaidan took one of their rifles and set out to find Sara.

“SAM?” Kaidan whispered as he inched along the Hyperion, watching carefully for Kett. After a moment of silence, he asked again, “SAM? Can you hear me?”

Nothing. Either SAM was offline or his implant had been disabled. He opened his omni-tool and fiddled with the comms, hoping to pick up a friendly signal. What he got filled him with fear and renewed urgency. It was Sara and the Archon, she was screaming. “You’ve made this much more difficult Pathfinder. But not for me.” 

“I’m going to find you Archon and I’m going to tear you apart!” Scott screamed, the rage in his voice so unfamiliar and yet Kaidan felt a surge of hope. Scott was alive and he was coming for them, the reset had worked.

He made his way towards the bridge, skirting around enemy troops as they appeared, taking infuriating detours when he had to, all to remain unseen. The last thing he needed was for Kett to be hounding him the whole way.

When Kaidan finally made it there, the room was empty save for Dunn, who lay motionless. He locked the bridge doors behind him and ran over to her, checking vitals. She had a nasty cut on her forehead and would have one hell of a headache later, but she would be fine. He applied some medi-gel he had taken from the med-bay to the wound and proceeded to wake her up.

“Dunn. Captain Dunn. Wake up!”

The woman moaned and her eyes fluttered open slowly. Her gaze was unfocused for a moment before snapping back into sharpness. She raised a hand to her head and looked around. “Shit.”

“What happened? Where is the Archon? Where is Sara?”

She gingerly shook her head and Kaidan helped her to her feet. “He took her. He used her implant and connection to SAM to open the way to Meridian.” She gestured to the observation window that Kaidan had ignored upon entry. Seeing it now he gaped. They were somewhere…huge and beautiful. A true golden world, lush and green with blue water flowing. 

“This…this is Meridian? I thought it would be a machine. Is it another planet with a functioning terraforming system?”

“I don’t know. Before he knocked me out all I saw was a huge metal sphere. It must have been protecting this.” 

The ship rocked violently and Kaidan grasped one of the terminals to stabilize himself. Dunn ran over to the main display and brought up the ships interface. “Shit. Shit!”

“What is it?” He asked, coming to stand behind her.

“The bastard disabled our Nav systems, the ark is drifting on maneuvering thrusters only.” She sounded panicked as her hands dashed along the terminal, screens flashing and lights blinking warnings.

“What does that mean?”

She glanced back over to him with a scowl. “It means we’re going to bloody crash. Look at these readings, the core is at maxed capacity.”

Kaidan eyed the readings and blinked back his shock. “Holy sh…if he pulls any more power from the core it could overload.”

“I know!” Dunn snapped.

“Ok. Focus on flying this ship, I’ll see what I can do at the core.”

“Kaidan…” Dunn turned to him, expression softening as he unlocked the door and looked back. “Good luck.”

He gave her a smile that didn’t quite manage to reach his eyes. “You too.” Kaidan took a deep breath and opened the door, bringing his biotics to life as he did so. He launched himself forward in a Biotic Charge, surprising the Kett guarding the way to the engineering deck. With all the force he could muster in his tired body, he unleashed a nova, blasting the Kett apart. 

He ran down the hallway, rifle firing and biotics blazing, killing anything in his path. His breaths were labored and laced with pain. His head swam with exhaustion. The last enemy died with Kaidan’s omni-blade slicing through its neck, severing it completely. Two thuds accompanied the swish of the door to engineering.

The room pulsed and waved with a blinding blue light that burned to look at directly. Kaidan stumbled towards one of the three terminals in the room. He opened a comm channel to the Tempest.

“Scott,” he panted out. “He’s taken them.”

“Kaidan?!” Scott voice was shocked, but there was warmth in it too and Kaidan smiled tiredly.

“The core is lit up like Christmas, but SAM isn’t talking. I think the Archon…I don’t know what he did but he has Sara, Scott. Whatever Meridian can do, he’ll use Sara and SAM to take it.”

“Just focus on the core, Kaidan. I’ll find them! I promise.”

Kaidan’s hands danced along the terminal, bringing up diagnostics and different power readings. He diverted power from the auxiliary shielding to help boost the core and keep it from overheating. It would hold for the moment and he allowed himself a chance to catch his breath.

Hearing Scott alive had Kaidan shaking and he grasped the terminal tightly to stop his hands. “I tried to protect her…I wasn’t strong enough. Scott…”

The Pathfinder stopped him. “Don’t go there Kaidan. We’ll get her back.” They both allowed silence to fall between them before Scott continued. “I don’t blame you…for any of it.”

Kaidan tilted his head back and blinked back tears. “I don’t blame you either.”

Dunn’s voice interrupted their heart to heart as she cried, “Kaidan, I need all power to starboard thrusters, now!” 

“Kaidan? What’s going on?” Scott asked. 

“Focus on what you are doing Scott, leave me to take care of the ship.” He frantically rerouted power to the needed thrusters while keeping the bare minimum for vital systems. “Got it, how we looking Captain?”

“I’ve got a handle on it for now…shit.” Alarms started ringing all around him and the heat in the room increased to uncomfortable levels. “I’m losing thrusters, what’s going on?”

“Hang on, gotta vent the core…oh this is going to hurt.”

He disabled safety protocols and manually opened the vents, alarms flashing. 

“Kaidan, you can’t do that! You’ll get caught in the blast radius.”

“Kaidan? Kaidan what the hell are you doing? Don’t you fucking dare.” Scott sounded hysterical as he shouted over the comms.

He initiated the countdown, the doors immediately sealing themselves behind him, and watched the numbers drop far too quickly. “I can do this.” He leaned his back against the containment doors and focused all his energy into reinforcing his barrier as the core grew brighter and brighter.

“Please Kaidan.” Scott let out a sob. “Don’t.”

Kaidan let out a soft chuckle and closed his eyes. “Too late.”

The countdown finished and the core exploded, flames engulfing the room before being sucked out through the open vents. Searing heat battered against his barriers and he screamed as it seeped through, burned exposed flesh and ate away his strength. His barrier died out just as the last of the flames were sucked away. The core returned to normal, power levels stabilizing. 

He let out a wracking cough and looked himself over. His clothing was singed and ruined, parts of his body raw and angry, cracked and leaking blood. He recognized a ringing in his ear as words…Scott, screaming over the comms for Kaidan to answer. 

“Still here” he croaked out.

“Kaidan, thank god. Don’t you ever do something that stupid again. Understood?”

With a shaky laugh Kaidan nodded, realizing too late Scott wouldn’t see the gesture. “Yeah. That sucked. Definitely don’t want to do that again.”

The voice on the other end of the comms huffed. “Good. Because that was reckless and…”

Alarms screamed all around him and Kaidan’s groan was cut off as he read the diagnostics on his omni-tool. Critical power failure. He had only a moment to comprehend the words before the core shutdown and the lights went out. Its faithful hum fell silent and the ship kicked into back up power, red emergency lights the only thing lighting up the dark space. “Shit.”

“Kaidan? What is it?”

It was Dunn that answered this time, her voice shaky. “Critical systems failure. We’re crashing.”

“Damn it! Dunn, is there anything we can do?!”

Kaidan let their voices was over him as he lay there, limbs heavy, mind foggy. He heard Dunn order everyone to the cryo bay and he silently agreed, too tired to speak. She would reroute all power and shielding there, and hopefully they would survive.

“Scott…” Kaidan struggled to focus, clasped his hand against his side which was bleeding. “I’m s…sorry.” He fought back a sob unsuccessfully. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

“Kaidan please.” Scott’s voice was barely a whisper, voice hoarse with his own grief. “Can you get somewhere safe?”

“The doors are still sealed. They never re-opened after the core vented. Damn it. I should be down there with you. Scott.” He felt the inertial dampeners fail and he slowly started to slide down the room. Too tired to hold on to anything he left himself fall. His voice filled with urgency. “Scott I’m so fucking sorry. I never should have…I love you.”

Scott was openly crying on the other side of the comms now. “Kaidan, I forgive you. I love you too, so much.”

“All hands, brace for impact.” Dunn cried.

Kaidan closed his eyes and whispered, “Scott. Finish this.” 

The Hyperion hit Meridian with terrible force and Kaidan was sent flying, the opposite wall rushing towards him. Crushing pain filled his mind and then, nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


	17. The Lives We Lead

**Epilogue: The Lives We Lead**

 

* * *

 

Kaidan looked over the console in front of him, small blinking lights dancing under his outstretched hands, tuning himself with the ship that was now under his command. He felt a telltale hum and smiled as the process completed. Taking a deep breath he turned and faced his crew, the people he would be tasked with protecting and fighting alongside. 

A new Pathfinder Team, the fifth to be created and the first to be commissioned in Andromeda. The Milky Way races together with the Angara, all working and fighting for a better future for Helius. 

Looking at the expectant faces before him, he felt a swell of pride. Each one battle tested and true, bringing their own skill sets and experiences to enrich their team. They were the crew of the M10-Northeaster, newly built and ready for its maiden voyage. It was larger than the Tempest it was modeled after, built with weapon capabilities and better shielding against the scourge. 

“This is it. What we’ve been waiting for. The crew of the Tempest and the other Pathfinder’s gave us this chance when they fought for Meridian, took out the Archon. A new beginning for all of us. New worlds to see, new vaults to find and unlock.” Kaidan paused and gave them a huge grin. “Let’s get out there and show them we won’t waste it! Get to it folks!”

A simple cheer and then the crew was scattering to various positions around the ship, fulfilling each role they had been given. Kaidan turned back to the console and the viewport on the bridge. “Kaidan.”

“Yes SAM?” The synthetic voice on the bridge was the only familiar thing to Kaidan, Scott and the rest of his friends staying with the Tempest. It had been an honor to be asked to join the ranks of Pathfinder, a duty he couldn’t refuse. It meant a new posting, a new ship and a new crew. He and Scott had discussed it for weeks during his time in the medical ward, healing from his near death experience. In the end, they both agreed that it was the right call. It was hard being separated, but vid-calls in private spaces and spending every chance they could together while in dry dock helped.

“All systems are live Pathfinder. Jade in engineering says the core is ‘purring like a kitten’ and Nexus Control has approved launch vectors.”

“All right. Kell’ath, take us out.” 

The ship rocked gently as the thrusters started before the inertial dampeners kicked it. Kaidan felt the rhythm of space flight settle into his bones as the Northeaster entered its slipstream. This too was familiar, something he could hold on to.

“Do we know what to expect?” Svet, his second, asked. She was a grizzled old Angara, pale pink skin covered in scars from her fighting against the Kett. Her lips were turned down in a permanent scowl due to a wicked scar but her eyes danced with excitement, and mirth as she rocked back on her heels.

Kaidan shook his head and dropped his hands behind his back, at parade rest. “Only that the signal seems to originate from the Milky Way, that the distress call claimed to be another Ark.”

Svet nodded and stood to look out at the wide expanse of space before them, the view spectacular even with the slipstream obscuring the sight before them. “What are the chances the signal was hacked and it’s a Kett trap? Or pirates?”

“I’m not willing to rule out the possibility, even if it seems unlikely. I want to go with a cautious approach.” He pulled up a map on the interface and pointed to a gas giant in the star system they were headed to. “If we circle around Vinland, we should be able to use the electric storms here to obscure our presence. They wouldn’t be able to see us until we’re ready.” 

The two of them studied the map and went over possible scenarios they might encounter and how to handle them. Kell’ath, their Turian pilot inserted a comment or suggestion when he felt it necessary. It took a few hours to hammer out the details but when they were finished both felt comfortable they had done everything they could to prevent a negative outcome.

It was an exciting prospect, another Ark from the Milky Way. Kaidan felt the thrill of nervous energy, the growing need for some sort of news, hope that the galaxy still lived on; that the Reapers hadn’t destroyed everything he had loved.

He had intended to call Scott and let him know the launch had been successful but planning had taken longer than anticipated, they were only a few minutes out from their targeted coordinates. Ironically the distress call was coming from the Erikson Cluster, where the Hyperion itself had been stranded when it first arrived in Helius. He wondered if they had been headed for Habitat Seven as well. It would make sense, if they were a human colony ark.

“Approaching target, leaving slipstream in 3-2-1…approach completed.” Kell’ath gave a pleased hum as the planet came into view, using the gravitational pull to sling shot them forward and discharge their built up static. 

As they circled the planet, the ship in question slowly came into view. Svet gasped and Kell’ath’s mandibles twitched nervously. A chill crept up Kaidan’s spine as he took in the sight before him. Two massive black ships were fused together with bits of Milky Way tech and he swallowed heavily. The two Reaper ships surrounded a smaller construct in the middle like giant hands clasped together, protecting the construct within. It was motionless, drifting in between scourge tendrils but the ship itself did not seem damaged.

Kaidan cleared his throat to distract himself from rising panic. “What are the scans picking up?”

“Drive core active but idle, Pathfinder. I am also picking up multiple life signs and heat signatures. There are also many life signs in stasis.” SAM was monotone as it continued. “I’m afraid they’ve located us and are now hailing us. How would you like to proceed?”

Despite his growing alarm at seeing not one, but two Reaper ships like Sovereign, his curiosity won the day. “Patch them through.”

For a brief moment a tense silence hung in the air, bridge motionless as they waited. A simple ping broke the tension as a synthetic voice, female spoke. “Greetings. My name is EDI, I am the Ark Normandy 3’s AI. Your ship’s signature is that from the Andromeda Initiative and we request your assistance.”

Kaidan tried to calm his racing thoughts, the name Normandy repeating itself over and over in his mind. He let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding. “My name is Kaidan Alenko, a Pathfinder for the Initiative. How may we help?”

The AI made a distinctly un-AI like noise over the comms before hastily replying, “Pathfinder Alenko? My own Pathfinder requests to meet you face to face. Would you be willing to board?”

Svet hissed and strode up to the comms. “Absolutely not. You’re a complete unknown and there is no way we would put our Pathfinder at risk like that.”

“It’s alright Svet.” Kaidan said, putting a hand on her shoulder, her luminous eyes looking at him uncertainly. “I have this gut feeling...I can’t explain it.” He turned back to the comms and directed a question at the AI. “Why is the Ark named the Normandy?”

EDI’s voice sounded pleased as she answered. “To honor Commander John Shepard and the Normandy crew for defeating the greatest threat to the Milky Way galaxy.”

“And is that why there are two Reaper’s attached to your Ark?”

A soft chuckle, like wind chimes reverberated over the comms. “Very good Pathfinder. Yes. Commander Shepard defeated the Reapers and we adapted their lifeless bodies and technology into this Ark.” It paused a moment to let the information sink in. “It has proven a wise decision so far as Habitat Seven and Helius seem very inhospitable.”

Kaidan nodded. “I agree to a meeting.”

“Pathfinder, if you insist on doing such a thing, please, take an escort with you at least.” Svet whispered. She glanced at the comms and her frown became more pronounced. “This still might be a trap.”

“EDI. I will come aboard but I will have an armed escort, is this acceptable?”

“It is Pathfinder.” The AI chimed.

“Good.” He strode towards the armory and set to putting on his armor and activated the ship wide comms. “Garn, Scalg, I want you two suited up and ready in ten, we’re boarding the Ark Normandy and meeting with their Pathfinder. I don’t expect trouble but be prepared for anything.”

After receiving confirmations he turned to Svet with a smile. “There. Two Krogan should keep my ass out the fire, don’t you think?”

She snorted and shook her head. “I still struggle to understand your Human expressions, but yes. They should be able to…save your bacon?”

Kaidan threw his head back and laughed. “Yep. That they will.”

Thirty minutes later they were waiting in the airlock as decontamination procedures sterilized any potential contagions. The Northeaster had attached itself to the Normandy 3 with relative ease, dwarfed by the size of the Ark and the Reapers surrounding it. 

“This Ark must hold hundreds of thousands of sleepers.” Scalg gruffly whispered, awe tinged with hesitancy. Kaidan nodded. It was an impressive feat of engineering to be sure. As the airlock swung open they were greeted by a single form. Tall, metallic, and distinctly female, the AI EDI waited for them with it’s humanoid body, arms folded gently behind its back.

“Greetings Pathfinder, Pathfinder squad.” She nodded and lifted a hand in greeting. 

Kaidan hesitated only a moment before clasping it with his own armored hand, a brief shake and then she was guiding them down smooth clean halls. “The Pathfinder of the Normandy is eager to meet you, Pathfinder Alenko.”

“Do I get their name beforehand or…?”

She paused and looked over at him, a small smile graced her delicate features. “I think it’s best if you see for yourself.”

They continued and Kaidan pondered her meaning. It took them another five minutes to reach their destination, the ship was huge. As the doors swished open a Human man turned at the sound. Kaidan’s lungs froze and Garn had to catch him as he stumbled.

He looked so different out of his Alliance fatigues, broad shoulders and strong arms wrapped in a light white shirt, simple black jeans hugged his legs. Dark hair still in its tight buzz, glacial blue eyes sparkled in the artificial light. His hands were clenched together, a familiar gesture that bespoke nervousness. A hesitant, lopsided grin, quietly pleading as he waited.

Kaidan finally spoke. “…John.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew boy, this was a work, I tell you. It was a labor of love and a thing inspired by a really angsty, whiskey fueled moment. I wanted to leave it open ended. This could be a stand alone story or I could easily add a Part 2 so to speak. I don't know. I hope you enjoyed this thing. Let me know if you did! Comments are love, comments are life!!
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 


End file.
